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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Have Never Forgottendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crestfallenman
    ASL Info:    21/M/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 593/819/331
    Words: 199
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 70
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1181



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHave Never Forgottendots
    -------------------------------------------


    As the day falls to night,
    For the rebirth of another day,
    I sit here in my lonely flight,
    Looking for the right words to say.
    The life that I had with you,
    The memories and dreams we created,
    Everything we went through,
    Of all the things we dearly hated.

    This I know true,
    That I dearly miss you.

    I miss the nights I held you so close to me,
    I vented all of my feelings that I had inside,
    The heart that told so much of a story,
    The stories I have been deprived.

    When has been the last time I held your hand?
    When we kissed liked the very first time?
    Logging into this affair no one understands,
    Yet never been so redefined.

    Wanting to feel your hair,
    So much I want to kiss your fragile lips,
    Yet the date is far beyond repair,
    Your presence before me is so hard to miss.

    I'm hoping he treats you so well,
    And leaves you with the smile I long to make,
    Good-bye my dear, carry on into the bliss you fell,
    As I continue the separate path I was so eager to take.




    Submitted on 2008-06-30 21:41:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Great write. I can relate a lot too it at the moment and so it hurt to read. But if it's purpose is sad and it cause others to project that instead of just portraying sadness to them then it has to be well written. I don't have really anything negative to say at the moment, Well done.
    | Posted on 2008-07-01 00:00:00 | by BlazeFlamme | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh,how soonly we grieve the passing,
    which one day seemed so right ,
    then in the next day's dawning
    we see our's and another's plight.

    The senses of the moment
    spray their foreigness to truth
    and veil the truth of compassion
    as it passes on into the night.

    Though regrets have their spells of tears,
    departure has destroyed a trust
    and ashes like burned memories
    blacken the path throughout life.
    | Posted on 2008-07-01 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, what to say to start...
    I thought that the piece, though well put together, was very generic in it's way of speaking. I've run into piece after piece talking about losing a loved one to someone else, and I won't fail to say I've written some myself.
    I almost wonder if there is way you can make it feel more original, as in using a format similar to lyrics. The way it moved made it feel like a song; see if that helps you feel it more.

    As far as the way it is written goes, I was doing fine until I started careening into typos and grammatical stuff. My train of flow was backed up and crunched when I had to re-read lines like "Yet the date is far beyond repair,
    Your presence before me is so hard to miss."

    I furrowed my little eyebrows and had to think about that for a minute. The whole piece was about you missing your loved one...and then it's hard to miss them? After reading it a couple times, I finally understood it's a difficult thing to miss them because it hurts. Though I understood it, you might want to clarify.

    As far as the grammatical errors and typos, things like "fell" I think was intended to be "feel". Just give it a once over and you should be fine!

    Overall, great work!
    | Posted on 2008-06-30 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]


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