Ivy Cling by NoMartyr

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Submission Name: Ivy Cling dots

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Author:	NoMartyr
ASL Info:	18/M/Michigan
Elite Ratio:	2.95 - 29/60/51
Words:	196

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	96
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1170

Description:

Ivy Cling dots

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The fourth dimension’s passing, we’ll just call it “days”
In the presence of your absence I’ve been put right in my place
Can’t figure out how to paint the canvas in my head
And if I get too frustrated I’ll just probably paint it red
Ah, “my”, “my”. I’m no materialist, at least, I try
Ah… my, my. You’re the rustic house I suffocate in vines

On this side of the street
On this side of the cloud
It is raining down
And if we could just move that few feet
We could be dry and in the summer heat
But this is how it’s working out

Please don’t feel like property
With the space between I cling like ivy
To the foundation of my stability
I think it’s naïve to believe
the house is the ivy’s property
But if you still feel trapped I’m sorry

Sorry that I have overgrown
Just want to be part of your home
And cling on tight
I wont grow over your windows
Just want to be the ivy blanket
Tucking you in at night

With support like you is it ever any wonder...
...ivy clings?

Submitted on 2008-07-02 19:22:27 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  You should have called it "Kudzu"
| Posted on 2008-08-05 00:00:00 | by NoMartyr | [ Reply to This ]
  It took sifting through quite a bit of garbage on this site to find this, and I'm glad I did. I love it.

I think ivy was a wonderful choice because it can also be poison, and in this case it sounds like it could be a little toxic.

"The fourth dimension’s passing, we’ll just call it “days”
In the presence of your absence I’ve been put right in my place
Can’t figure out how to paint the canvas in my head
And if I get too frustrated I’ll just probably paint it red
Ah, “my”, “my”. I’m no materialist, at least, I try
Ah… my, my. You’re the rustic house I suffocate in vines"

I don't know why the other two people that commented are complaining so much about the word choice, because in this first verse you used "vines." I absolutely love "in the presence of your absense." I love contradictions, which is probably why I'm an egotist. ;]

The only thing I would change in that piece is the placement of just. "I'll probably just paint it red" sounds proper, but if you don't care, don't change it, because I hate suggesting change since it is what you wrote when you were thinking/feeling things, not me.

I could also hear this as an acoustic song.

I want to read more. Thank you for sharing. =]

| Posted on 2008-07-04 00:00:00 | by insipid sky | [ Reply to This ]
  As an aside, I think the title should also be reworked- it reminds me of 'Love Actually' in that it's just two words that can make sense in a sentence but by themselves are just annoying.

Ciao again.
| Posted on 2008-07-03 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
  I absolutely loved the metaphor of ivy for the relationship, and especially the way your persona struggled to come to terms with their 'clingy-ness'.

I disagree with the previous comment in regards to the final line; I think it adds immeasurably to the poem to have that conflict and acknowledgment stated so openly. I do agree that it might work well as a song, but it's always difficult to know.

The poem definitely improved as it went along- I thought the first stanza was quite banal but by the end I thought you had managed to capture what you were writing about really well.

If you are looking at suggestions for a rewrite, I would suggest finding another word for ivy, or perhaps describing it in terms of limbs/tendrils etc. so as to add to the imagery and really enhance the metaphor. I would also scrap the entire first half of the poem, as for me it doesn't add anything at all.

Your take on the subject matter is original- I look forward to reading anything in the future.

Ciao.
| Posted on 2008-07-03 00:00:00 | by Civilian | [ Reply to This ]
  I feel like this should be a song with the first stanza as the chorus. Honestly, I was singing it in my head, it sounded brilliant. The only thing that bothered me, although sometimes repitition works, I feel like you restated the word ivy way too much in the poem. I know, I honestly can't think of anything else to replace it with either, haha. But truly, it sort of killed the...not originality... but the warmth of your poem, because it felt like all of it seemed to rely on the word ivy. I don't know, but it sort of killed the voice a little, almost like you were running oout of what you were feeling, so you held on to ivy. That's really it, though. I thought it was good. But in the last line of the last stanza it should state "Is it ever any wonder ivy clings". I'm not really one to notice things like that, but it's sort of like a flow impediment to the poem. Also, the keep with the flow in the first stanza, you could say "I've been put in my place", without the right, because it keeps the flow better. Other than those few things, it's a pretty good write. But I really wish it could be lyrics, I would love to hear this sung.
Be well,
~Azura*
| Posted on 2008-07-02 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]

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