valley of the lost by Celeste J. Bell

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Submission Name: valley of the lost dots

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Author:	Celeste J. Bell
ASL Info:	21/Lady/never-never land
Elite Ratio:	4.01 - 209/206/67
Words:	92

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	67
Average Vote:	5.0000
Bytes:	551

Description:
When you tell me I can't, this is how it feels. This is why I fight. This is why writing is my survival.

valley of the lost dots

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Trapped beneath your eerie light
Praying dawn will change this aimless fight
Eyes wide with wonder, I wander below
Forever in your shadow, forever unknown
A glass ceiling so cool against my Hands
Pushing harder still to meet demands
Palms wet with sweat, I watch you idle above
Silent in spite, silent just because
My muffled screams echo back to my ears
Into the fog below, I will disappear
For no shadow can exist in this night
No shadow beneath your eerie light.

Submitted on 2008-07-02 21:23:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I like this a lot.

"Forever in you shadow, forever unknown"

That is perfect

"A glass ceiling so cold against my hands
Pushing harder still to meet your demands"

The only part of the piece I was not thrilled about was the "glass ceiling" but I can't come up with a better lead in to the other part (which is also perfect)

"No Shadow can exist in this night
No shadow beneath your eerie light"

Those lines speak for themselves. Perfect.

The work as a whole was simple, raw, and pure and that is what earned you a 5-point WOW rating from me on this one.

| Posted on 2008-07-03 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
This piece really just kind of loses you. The use of "eerie" is a bit repetative, or maybe I would have chose a different word. Somehow, strange light rolls better off the tongue. There is no actual problem with the writing itself, it's just that the idea of the piece is a little muddled under the writing. Best wishes,
Jeff
| Posted on 2008-07-03 00:00:00 | by jayisademon | [ Reply to This ]

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