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    dots Submission Name: the other side of everythingdots

    Author: blackbird
    ASL Info:    31/male/reykjavik iceland
    Elite Ratio:    2.35 - 194/328/300
    Words: 192
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 613
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1344


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    dotsthe other side of everythingdots

    the river
    can be stylish
    when you lift it up
    below you're eyes.
    & then you find
    that all the stones you skipped
    come back to you,

    my green woman
    leans into
    the green wind
    with those teacup hands of hers
    waving around like
    leaves inside a dust-devil

    sweet smiles form words
    out of my ancient mouth.
    i wish i could send the memories
    back to you
    like letters
    i'll never read.

    but we keep this collage
    of ghosts
    &, somehow, nonchalantly
    walk on through the floor
    to the other side of everything
    with the light that we can carry
    by our sides.

    have i told you
    that you are like water in this way
    with those lucid fingers
    that i've yet to meet?
    i make dreams
    out of what's left of my sleep
    for sleeping.

    the smoke curls off me
    when i awaken.
    it reminds me of your body
    in this way,
    like how the air moves.
    i've never seen you before,
    but i'm waiting
    for some soft collapse.
    some whisper
    that sends me into shivers
    in the night...

    Submitted on 2008-07-07 07:26:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "you're eyes" -- this struck me as odd. Did you mean "your eyes"? Because that makes more sense to me. Other than that I thoroughly enjoyed this.

    "have i told you
    that you are like water in this way
    with those lucid fingers
    that i've yet to meet?
    i make dreams
    out of what's left of my sleep
    for sleeping."

    This was my favourite. The first four lines especially. Lovely!


    | Posted on 2008-07-14 00:00:00 | by Mandi Gayle | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm . . . "stylish" huh? I don't know. The only connotations for me with that word are "fashionable" or "trendy". I don't see that fitting with the mood or the theme of this piece.

    On my first read I also wondered about the line "like how the air moves". To me the word "like" sounded too casual. It almost sounded like it was being used as kids use it--to put before sentences--rather than like you are actually giving an example of something. The second time around it worked better for me--but still gave me pause.

    On the other side of everything (sorry, I couldn't resist), I love the second strophe! I also love the last two. I just thought I'd throw in those nitpicks to keep you on your toes;)
    | Posted on 2008-07-07 00:00:00 | by JanePlane | [ Reply to This ]
      I this poem overall as your imagery is compelling. It seems to have concrete moments that drift in and out of a dream like state. The first stanza rhyme of you're eyes/surprise was great even though I had to think about it because of the spelling which I finally gave up to poetic license. Your dream/real woman is similar to the state of your poem and that works although it can be hard of follow all the way through without a deeper reading.
    | Posted on 2008-07-07 00:00:00 | by my shadow | [ Reply to This ]

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