secret garden by ibelikeso

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Submission Name: secret garden dots

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Author:	ibelikeso
ASL Info:	21/m/FL
Elite Ratio:	5.19 - 117/96/20
Words:	241

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	110
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1384

Description:
the most precious feeling we can ever have.

secret garden dots

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In this vast world, there is a garden somewhere

i will fight for it with my life and i will pursuit forever

now the strangest thing i have come to understand

i had not known of love until fate taught me with her hand

now this garden that some have passed it by

not to find its secrets nor take a second glance

but i see theres something hidden in it so deep

something so precious, fragile and valuable to me

at the end of the garden i see something shine bright

brighter than silver or gold, even the suns light

what is this brilliance i continue to see?

it must be love that has come to set me free

i forever want to take care of and take rest in your hills

being caressed by your flowers, a feeling so real

feeling comfort from the sun by shade of your palm trees

fruit of this garden is the only one ill ever want to eat

so this is what i want and continue to promulgate

that in this garden is my heart and forever my soul mate

so theres such few words left for me to say

that you have chosen me, for this reason i love u today.

Submitted on 2008-07-07 21:31:36 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
Really loved the metaphor used - I would just bring in closer descriptions to the elements named, like the sun and the hills. I'm looking for that thing that makes me want to abide in your garden... Also the rhyming is inconsistent - the beginning doesn't have a set pattern but the 2nd half does - I'm not sure what rythm to apply?

"that in this garden is my heart and forever my soul mate
so theres such few words left for me to say
that you have chosen me, for this reason i love u today." - I love the simplicity in the ending of the poem - so very honest and real.

Really liked it!
| Posted on 2008-07-31 00:00:00 | by lily21 | [ Reply to This ]
I think that you have a good start on this poem, but there are several things that I would change. For one, you should make sure that basic things like spelling and punctuation are correct. In poetry you can break these rules, but it's best to be consistent in your rule-breaking. If you have some punctuation, it's best to have the whole thing be punctuated. If you have some capitalization, it's best for all the starts of sentences to be capitalized. Also, basic things like apostrophes should be used. If you keep consistency in mind, your poem should be better accepted.

Also, you should probably come up with a pattern for your rhyming. It seems that in three of the five stanzas have the last two lines rhyme. I would continue that pattern to the other stanzas. And, remember, you don't have to have anything rhyme at all. It's great when you're able to use rhyming to enhance your poem, but all poems don't have to rhyme.

I do like some of your imagery though. The phrase "caressed by your flowers" is a nice twist, make the garden seem more alive and more like a person.
| Posted on 2008-07-10 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]

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