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    dots Submission Name: secret gardendots

    Author: ibelikeso
    ASL Info:    27/M/FL
    Elite Ratio:    4.99 - 119/106/24
    Words: 241
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 558
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1384

       the most precious feeling we can ever have.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotssecret gardendots

    In this vast world, there is a garden somewhere

    i will fight for it with my life and i will pursuit forever

    now the strangest thing i have come to understand

    i had not known of love until fate taught me with her hand

    now this garden that some have passed it by

    not to find its secrets nor take a second glance

    but i see theres something hidden in it so deep

    something so precious, fragile and valuable to me

    at the end of the garden i see something shine bright

    brighter than silver or gold, even the suns light

    what is this brilliance i continue to see?

    it must be love that has come to set me free

    i forever want to take care of and take rest in your hills

    being caressed by your flowers, a feeling so real

    feeling comfort from the sun by shade of your palm trees

    fruit of this garden is the only one ill ever want to eat

    so this is what i want and continue to promulgate

    that in this garden is my heart and forever my soul mate

    so theres such few words left for me to say

    that you have chosen me, for this reason i love u today.

    Submitted on 2008-07-07 21:31:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Really loved the metaphor used - I would just bring in closer descriptions to the elements named, like the sun and the hills. I'm looking for that thing that makes me want to abide in your garden... Also the rhyming is inconsistent - the beginning doesn't have a set pattern but the 2nd half does - I'm not sure what rythm to apply?

    "that in this garden is my heart and forever my soul mate
    so theres such few words left for me to say
    that you have chosen me, for this reason i love u today." - I love the simplicity in the ending of the poem - so very honest and real.

    Really liked it!
    | Posted on 2008-07-31 00:00:00 | by lily21 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think that you have a good start on this poem, but there are several things that I would change. For one, you should make sure that basic things like spelling and punctuation are correct. In poetry you can break these rules, but it's best to be consistent in your rule-breaking. If you have some punctuation, it's best to have the whole thing be punctuated. If you have some capitalization, it's best for all the starts of sentences to be capitalized. Also, basic things like apostrophes should be used. If you keep consistency in mind, your poem should be better accepted.

    Also, you should probably come up with a pattern for your rhyming. It seems that in three of the five stanzas have the last two lines rhyme. I would continue that pattern to the other stanzas. And, remember, you don't have to have anything rhyme at all. It's great when you're able to use rhyming to enhance your poem, but all poems don't have to rhyme.

    I do like some of your imagery though. The phrase "caressed by your flowers" is a nice twist, make the garden seem more alive and more like a person.
    | Posted on 2008-07-10 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]

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