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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Double Timedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Oli
    ASL Info:    23/F
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 206/211/53
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 742
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 961



    Description:
       just some mind puke

    *i just added some changes suggested by a reader. Thanks Jo.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDouble Timedots
    -------------------------------------------


    She moves in double time
    not noticing what's going on,
    She can't seem to find the time
    to do the things she's thinking of...
    daily activities take over her mind,
    she doesn't know what she's losing
    finding nothing wrong, she continues
    on her fast paced way
    never slowing down to kiss or hug
    she feels like everything takes too long
    hurry up we haven't much time
    worries make her sick
    food goes untouched
    she doesn't realize what she's losing
    the relationship is hiding something
    under the carpet
    lies of where he's been
    she keeps on moving
    not knowing how to stop
    she doesn't realize that her marriage
    is slipping into the cracks
    she moves in double time
    not noticing what's going on
    she doesn't realize what she's losing




    Submitted on 2008-07-07 22:10:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey Caitiln,

    Overall, I really enjoyed the poem, it conveys the urgency of the girl's plight and also the bitterness of it. She does everything and yet achieves nothing. I like those kind of double-edged messages.

    The only thing I would say you should look at is adding some punctuation. I know that you want a flowing and fast piece but I think that in trying to convey that, you are letting the reader miss out on some of your imagery.

    Here's an example of what I mean:

    She moves in double time
    not noticing what's going on[,]
    She [can? - do you really need this?] seem[s] to find the time
    to do the things she's thinking of[...]
    daily activities take over her mind[,]
    she doesn't know what she[']s losing[,]
    finding nothing wrong[,] she continues
    on her fast paced way[.]

    Also, I think the line, 'she doesn't realize what she losing' should be changed to 'she doesn't realize what she's losing,' because it's a quicker line and also adds better repetition later on. Possibly as well, use it as a last line?

    Hope this helps, take or leave my advice as you wish.

    Thanks for the read,

    Jo.
    | Posted on 2008-07-08 00:00:00 | by JoKing | [ Reply to This ]


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