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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: a silent chess gamedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Briannan
    ASL Info:    20/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.59 - 123/127/49
    Words: 539
    Class/Type: Story/Serious
    Total Views: 733
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2974



    Description:
       When nobody wins the conversation is so much more interesting


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsa silent chess gamedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Coppery silence fills my mouth like the tang of blood from a busted lip. The forward momentum stops at the turning of a simple phrase. This intimacy kills you; I can feel it welling up. My heart beats in my chest; pounding against my ribs. It starts to hurt. It feels like the drumming is so hard it will shatter my ribcage itself.

    I look away, staring blankly at the carpet. I don't even see anything in the fibers, but it doesn't stop me from trying. I want them to have the answers. I want them to tell me what is supposed to be there, what I am supposed to say.

    My words are caught. They churn in my mind like the bile burning the lining of my stomach. I stay. I can't help myself. I lay there, on your bed waiting for something. I'm trying to decide what "something" is.

    'It is your move,' I think smiling to myself, 'this is a chess game. Someone has to win. One king has to fall.'

    You seem adrift on a torrential sea of thoughts. You watch me, waiting for that something that I am waiting for. We are planning that next move. The next words to come from our mouths. We say our chosen phrases, like a drunk vomits, it is messy and at times violently against better judgment.

    I'm not sure what you wait for, but it feels like I can't give it to you. So you wait, and I wait. The silence festering between us. It will fill you with more of your bitter rage against humanity. It just makes me wish I had more to give to you.

    I raise my eyes to meet yours. You are studying me. You are trying to figure out me and my motives. You want more from me. I don't know if I have it. I wait keeping eye contact with your questioning gaze. I wonder if you have puzzled me out yet. Your eyes wanted so much more.

    I know I don't have more. I let "it" drop. It shatters against the floor. I am staring at the carpet again. It is still the same brown it was at the beginning of the night. I can't help not looking at you. You and your expectation. I don't know what it is you are expecting, but I want to give it to you.

    You ask me to leave, check and mate. I lose. Tonight, my king falls. I leave my defeat to the wind. I might win next time. For now I leave it.

    My heart is tumultuous. I'm not sure what I didn't give. I cross the few feet to the door and plaster an all to real smile to my pretend face.

    This conversation never happened. It was a dream that happened one night. It couldn't be remembered, it didn't happen. Your win is short lived and bitter. My loss will be even shorter lived and forgotten. All the losses I've had were forgotten. Why remember the things you couldn't help lose.

    I smoke my cigarette by myself and think. What could go wrong with thinking? Apparently, everything.




    Submitted on 2008-07-07 23:18:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think it does read better and is improved. On this read I noticed a lot of other things I thought I'd point out. Some of them are straight grammar correction, but most aren't.

    I'm really interested in this piece. I was intrigued still, reading it the sixth time (I read things I give feedback on multiple times to make sure I understand as best I can)

    So, P=paragraph, S=sentence. You'd probably figure that out anyway.

    P1 S6
    "It feels like the drumming is so hard it will shatter my ribcage itself."
    Toward conciseness:
    "Drumming so hard it may shatter my ribcage."
    "Drumming hard enough to shatter my ribcage."
    Or if you wish to keep the sentence mostly as is, I would suggest removing "itself" because it only reinforces the idea that your ribcage feels like it may shatter, and it doesn't need to be reinforced. I also thing it sounds better without "itself".

    P2 S1
    "I look away, staring blankly at the carpet"
    May work just as well as, "I stare blankly at the carpet." As we can assume the speaker isn't looking at him if she's staring elsewhere.
    And if combined with the sentence after it,
    "I stare blakly at the carpet searching for things that aren't there." Though that combination might be worse. So maybe don't combine if you think that the combination doesn't work as well.

    P2 S3-4
    You could combine these two sentences.
    "I want them to have answers, to tell me what is supposed to be there, what I am supposed to say."

    P3 S2
    "like the bile ..." I believe you can remove "the" from before bile and it'll read just as well with one less word.

    P3 S5
    Perhaps, "I lay on your bed waiting for something."

    P4 S1
    "I think smiling to myself,"
    I suggest a comma after think.

    P5 S2
    I suggest removing the second "that". The first that could be removed, but in my head that one is trickier because I'm unsure if it would change the context to remove the first that.

    P5 S3
    "that" becomes "the", unless it's necessary for it to stay "that".

    P7 S6
    Suggest a comma after "wait"

    P7 S8
    "Your eyes wanted so much more".
    I feel I can understand what you mean with this sentence, but at the same time it confuses me a little. It's weird (how uncertain I feel about it) and I can't think of a suggestion, but I thought I'd mention it. Maybe if "wanted" were just "want"?

    P8 S1
    "I know I don't have more"
    I think you could remove "I know" because all "I know" does is state that you are aware of a fact. Saying just "I don't have more." Is also stating a fact, which makes the "I know" redundant. It won't hurt to stay, but I don't think it'll hurt to remove.

    P10 S3
    "... all to real ..."
    I suggest "to" become "too".

    P11 S3
    Suggest the comma become a semi-colon.

    P11 S4
    I meant to mention it before, "short lived" is being used as one word, usually, and it's rare and most people don't care or do it anymore, but usually if more than one word is being treated as one word you connect it with hyphens. "short-lived" then the next setnence "shorter-lived". It's not necessary since most people have forgotten how wonderful hyphens are, even in the professional grammar community, so it's more of a whim (but I personally think it makes sense).

    P11 S5
    Could it also work as, "I've forgotten all my losses" ?
    | Posted on 2008-07-14 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      (this comment is havoc, thoughts just kept coming to mind, apologies)

    The mood I get when I read this is... silent frustration. Not sure if I'm reading myself into it or not.

    I like the chess metaphor to it all because I like chess and you did it so well in this piece.

    The first sentence feels a bit cliché in my head, but:
    * that's because I've found myself writing sentences similar to it a lot and became annoyed with myself for doing it. Really it's difficult to describe the taste of blood.
    * I'm a poor judge on what is cliché.
    * In a way I don't think it's cliché at all, I'm conflicted.
    If it is, I don't think it detracts from the piece. Whatever it is, I can understand and feel it so it accomplishes something.

    I was drawn into this piece by the third sentence and I'm glad I read it.

    The metaphor is relating to a lover of the speaker? Past lover? Perhaps it is literally meant to be a dream as suggested near the end. I kind of like how it seems important to the speaker and then it feels brushed aside near the end.

    Wow, so I don't know if I understand it completely, but I thought I had an idea. Correct me if I was off on anything (if you want, of course). Perhaps explain it if you don't mind. Though I wonder if an explanation would detract (I feel sometimes it's better not to know the full idea).

    I think the piece could drop a few words toward conciseness (not very important, but)
    "My king is the one that falls tonight." could be tightened, "My king falls tonight". I can understand to a point why the "is the one that" is there, but it doesn't seem completely necessary.

    "My heart beats in my chest. I can feel it against my ribs."
    I like the quick statement method, and I can appreciate this two separately, but perhaps, "I can feel my heart against my ribs" or something. Works either way.

    "This intimacy kills you, I can feel it welling up."
    Minor, but I think the comma would be better as a semi-colon. I can't explain why, but my mind thinks a semi-colon is more appropriate.

    I liked this line,
    "This intimacy kills you, I can feel it welling up."

    and this line was excellent too,

    "We say our chosen phrases, like a drunk vomits, it is messy and at times violently against better judgment."

    "I smoke my cigarette by myself and think. What could go wrong with thinking? Apparently, everything."

    I absolutely loved this part. Maybe for what it means to me, but it's just so... well done. A fantastic close.
    | Posted on 2008-07-11 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]


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