Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • ES Magazine
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • Video Tutorials
  • RolePlay
  • 90% off Amazon
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lightning In The Parkdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: JoKing
    Elite Ratio:    5.78 - 77/99/35
    Words: 641
    Class/Type: Prose/Love
    Total Views: 55
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3805



    Description:
       Something short which I may extend. Based on people I really knew when I was a teenager. Any comments welcome. Thanks.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLightning In The Parkdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lightning In The Park

    Henry:
    I didn't look for it, I didn't even think or wish for it at all. It just happened, crept under my skin and pounced on my senses. My father always said that love could be one of two things, like a rainbow where sun and rain combine perfectly to create a masterpiece in the sky or like a flash of lightning, unpredictable, unstoppable, exciting but most of all dangerous.
    What happened with Ellie, was definitely the latter.
    I remember we were lying in the park, having one of our days where talking about nothing seemed to take up forever and being together was the most natural thing in the world. Everything was so much simpler then and I know it's a cliché to say something like that but clichés must have some truth in them, otherwise people wouldn't say them half as much, would they?

    "Someone turn off the sun!" Ellie said loudly, collapsing onto me, her head falling onto my chest.

    I laughed, she could always make me smile, "you complain too much."

    I felt her eyes open wide with shock and amusement.

    "Shut up!" she yelled, hitting my hand with hers.

    It didn't hurt but still, I grabbed her hand tight. I didn't mean for it to be anything, but as soon as I felt her fingers press into my skin, my smile dropped and my head felt light. It was only for a second but it changed everything. From that point on, it was just a matter of time before feeling turned into thought and thought into action.

    Ellie:
    Love. 4 letters long, one syllable spoken, hardly a weapon of mass destruction and yet, capable of turning rational, independent people into puppy-eyed, sickening freaks.
    How is it that one person can become your every thought, your every high and low? I don't understand it, and many would say because I haven't experienced it.
    But here's the thing, I have, and it's screwing me up.
    I don't want to get all smiley when he's around or every time he touches me feel my head reeling.
    I just don't.
    Sometimes, I think I'm crazy feeling the way I do about the way I feel, it's ridiculous. I'm meant to be the sensible, cynical one, not giggly and red-cheeked every time HE talks to me.
    You know what? I blame the park and more over that day with the stupid shining sun and twittering birds. I was just sitting there, discussing something with Henry and then he just appeared and I was gone.
    He drew me to him through some mysterious power, making me as if I didn't speak to him that minute, my mouth would just jump off my face and run after him.
    God, I'm pathetic.
    Tomorrow if I haven't snapped out of this, I'm seeing a doctor and getting something removed, maybe a vital organ?

    Mark:
    I've always like the park, contained nature, comfort and greenery in one place. It's the perfect place to think about everything, sort through the illogical and logical. Gain some perspective in peace.
    Henry was the one that first took me there, tired of house-cat life, we moved to the great outdoors and then after a while, I just started to come here by myself. He still comes here too but with Ellie, they spend ages just talking about stuff on the grass...
    Not that it bothers me but I do wonder what would it'd be like, spending that much time with someone, having them that close, almost like you were...
    I don't know, maybe I shouldn't speak of things I don't understand or feel...Maybe it would be better if I just didn't speak about it at all.





    Submitted on 2008-07-09 19:37:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Being miserably happy has done nothing to soften my resolve, and I have every intention of sabotaging this relationship before it consumes us both in a mushy puddle of insecurity that has sides much too smooth to crawl out of. I certainly wish lightning had the civility to warn its victims of approaching doom. Then, I might be able to balance an unhappy friendship with the unspoken amusement of a childhood cast-off.

    And the drama continues...
    | Posted on 2008-07-10 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Sorry about the incomplete one the network timed out or something meaning the website messed up. What the rest of it said was:

    "Anyway, try using semi-colons and breaking up the sentences to improve the flow of this.

    love to see more

    Briannan"
    | Posted on 2008-07-09 00:00:00 | by Briannan | [ Reply to This ]
      I enjoy this. It feels like a beginning. It is choppy and doesn't quite fit yet, but that is why it is a beginning. I think that breaking up some of the longer sentences would improve the flow of this a little. You have massive run on sentences, that could become and entire paragraph. You way over use the comma in this. The words are good and I would love to see this expanded, I am also having to control my editing bug right now and not rewrite a paragraph. I remember some people don't like that. Anyway, try using semi-colons and breaking up the sen
    | Posted on 2008-07-09 00:00:00 | by Briannan | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    163495



    Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
    5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

    [ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

    Google
     

    [ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
    [ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .
    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry