Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Care Notdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.8 - 23/161/138
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 482
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1476



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCare Notdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your love, don't want it
    Happiness, who needs it?
    Your touch, who cares?
    Content, with despair

    I'm rough, maybe mangled
    It's tough, I feel strangled
    Don't need air, why lie?
    Seek a smile? I'd as soon die

    Your warmth, it chills my spine
    Don't get me wrong, there was a time
    That's all gone, I'll shrug it away
    "Smoking kills," I guess not today

    You care? Could have fooled me
    You're there? You know I won't be
    Don't turn, there's nothing to see
    If you're lonely, I'm not the key

    Drive further away
    You're further from my mind
    I won't call you today
    I never get the time

    Now that I'm without you
    Now I've nothing to lose
    I have nothing to spare
    I have no reason to care

    Don't worry, I won't take a knife
    I'm not weak, I'd never cut myself
    I just feel overly apathetic
    I have no care for my hell

    Neutrality is the key
    Next time you see me
    Know that I don't care either way
    Tomorrow is just another day

    Give and take it's all a game
    But in the end you'll feel the same
    Nothing to lose, nothing to gain
    Have no pride, nor have I shame




    Submitted on 2008-07-10 22:42:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The begining to this poem was a real treat, i have yet to read one like it. And i like that, its different. but when you get to this part...

    Drive further away
    You're further from my mind
    I won't call you today
    I never get the time

    you change the flow of it. instead of 1122 its 1212. then you hop back into 1122. It's not bad, but it did throw me off a bit. And when this stanza begins, it starts to get rocky again.

    Don't worry, I won't take a knife
    I'm not weak, I'd never cut myself
    I just feel overly apathetic
    I have no care for my hell

    The whole poem is ryhthimg, but when you get here it doesn't ryhme. I know you don't have to rthyme in poems, but when the poem as a hole is a rthyming poem one stanza that isn't throws the reader off the flow of the poem.

    Overall it was a very good poem. I like the idea you had behins it. I just think a couple spots could use some touching up.

    Cry
    | Posted on 2008-07-12 00:00:00 | by WhY-dO-yOu-CrY | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    163536

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Bam written by Daniel Barlow
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Instances written by hyproglo
    Chasing The Lie written by jackz
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    The Search written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Dirge of Nostalgia written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Everyone written by poetotoe
    ... written by Daniel Barlow
    Aftermath and Waltz written by HisNameIsNoMore
    ME written by jjd
    Cage written by distortedcloud
    Bam written by Daniel Barlow
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    To the Epilogue written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Can't let my demons go written by faideddarkness
    On Loop written by Daniel Barlow
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Skulls Beyond the Palisade written by HisNameIsNoMore
    On Top of a Water Wheel written by Wolfwatching
    The First Time written by Wolfwatching
    This written by Chelebel
    less is more written by Daniel Barlow
    Broken Promises written by S.A.M.
    Commencement written by Ramneet
    Bre-anna written by Daniel Barlow
    Love and Solitaire written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Limbo written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Legends written by poetotoe

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry