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    dots Submission Name: Care Notdots

    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 479
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1476


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCare Notdots

    Your love, don't want it
    Happiness, who needs it?
    Your touch, who cares?
    Content, with despair

    I'm rough, maybe mangled
    It's tough, I feel strangled
    Don't need air, why lie?
    Seek a smile? I'd as soon die

    Your warmth, it chills my spine
    Don't get me wrong, there was a time
    That's all gone, I'll shrug it away
    "Smoking kills," I guess not today

    You care? Could have fooled me
    You're there? You know I won't be
    Don't turn, there's nothing to see
    If you're lonely, I'm not the key

    Drive further away
    You're further from my mind
    I won't call you today
    I never get the time

    Now that I'm without you
    Now I've nothing to lose
    I have nothing to spare
    I have no reason to care

    Don't worry, I won't take a knife
    I'm not weak, I'd never cut myself
    I just feel overly apathetic
    I have no care for my hell

    Neutrality is the key
    Next time you see me
    Know that I don't care either way
    Tomorrow is just another day

    Give and take it's all a game
    But in the end you'll feel the same
    Nothing to lose, nothing to gain
    Have no pride, nor have I shame

    Submitted on 2008-07-10 22:42:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The begining to this poem was a real treat, i have yet to read one like it. And i like that, its different. but when you get to this part...

    Drive further away
    You're further from my mind
    I won't call you today
    I never get the time

    you change the flow of it. instead of 1122 its 1212. then you hop back into 1122. It's not bad, but it did throw me off a bit. And when this stanza begins, it starts to get rocky again.

    Don't worry, I won't take a knife
    I'm not weak, I'd never cut myself
    I just feel overly apathetic
    I have no care for my hell

    The whole poem is ryhthimg, but when you get here it doesn't ryhme. I know you don't have to rthyme in poems, but when the poem as a hole is a rthyming poem one stanza that isn't throws the reader off the flow of the poem.

    Overall it was a very good poem. I like the idea you had behins it. I just think a couple spots could use some touching up.

    | Posted on 2008-07-12 00:00:00 | by WhY-dO-yOu-CrY | [ Reply to This ]

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