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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Care Notdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 215
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 471
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1476



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCare Notdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your love, don't want it
    Happiness, who needs it?
    Your touch, who cares?
    Content, with despair

    I'm rough, maybe mangled
    It's tough, I feel strangled
    Don't need air, why lie?
    Seek a smile? I'd as soon die

    Your warmth, it chills my spine
    Don't get me wrong, there was a time
    That's all gone, I'll shrug it away
    "Smoking kills," I guess not today

    You care? Could have fooled me
    You're there? You know I won't be
    Don't turn, there's nothing to see
    If you're lonely, I'm not the key

    Drive further away
    You're further from my mind
    I won't call you today
    I never get the time

    Now that I'm without you
    Now I've nothing to lose
    I have nothing to spare
    I have no reason to care

    Don't worry, I won't take a knife
    I'm not weak, I'd never cut myself
    I just feel overly apathetic
    I have no care for my hell

    Neutrality is the key
    Next time you see me
    Know that I don't care either way
    Tomorrow is just another day

    Give and take it's all a game
    But in the end you'll feel the same
    Nothing to lose, nothing to gain
    Have no pride, nor have I shame




    Submitted on 2008-07-10 22:42:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The begining to this poem was a real treat, i have yet to read one like it. And i like that, its different. but when you get to this part...

    Drive further away
    You're further from my mind
    I won't call you today
    I never get the time

    you change the flow of it. instead of 1122 its 1212. then you hop back into 1122. It's not bad, but it did throw me off a bit. And when this stanza begins, it starts to get rocky again.

    Don't worry, I won't take a knife
    I'm not weak, I'd never cut myself
    I just feel overly apathetic
    I have no care for my hell

    The whole poem is ryhthimg, but when you get here it doesn't ryhme. I know you don't have to rthyme in poems, but when the poem as a hole is a rthyming poem one stanza that isn't throws the reader off the flow of the poem.

    Overall it was a very good poem. I like the idea you had behins it. I just think a couple spots could use some touching up.

    Cry
    | Posted on 2008-07-12 00:00:00 | by WhY-dO-yOu-CrY | [ Reply to This ]


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