Reasons I need to live by RebornErrors

Sometimes, I sit down alone, in the silence of my house, and wonder.

I wonder, Why am I here on this earth? when all I ever do is cause trouble for others, and do nothing to better this world? Why am I here why someone who did something so much better than me has to leave?
I want to ask this to so many people, yet fear fills my mind when I start to speak, then all I say is, "I forgot what I was going to say"
No, no you big idiot, you did not forget what you were going to say! You never do, you're just too scared!
Too scared of what? What was it again that I'm so afraid of?
Rejection?
Agreement?

What are you crazy? You are here because you are here, now stop being so depressing all the time.

That's a good question, why are you here? I don't know, maybe you should go kill yourself.

Are those logical? Would or could someone I know say that to me? Or maybe I could ask a perfect stranger, if I wasn't so scared already.

I begin to realize that out of all I fear, Silence is at the top of the list.
Silence gives me too much time to think, too much time to wonder. All I ever do is just that. Wonder. And does everyone wonder? I'd like to ask.
Do they wonder like I do?

When I was born, I was born late. 4 days late to be exact.
I wasn't breathing at first, but they saved me. When my mother told me this, I wondered even more if I was supposed to be here?
I have no friends, even when I try to reason with myself that this person is a friend, they turn their backs on me and walk away. I cannot even trust a friend. I trust only myself.
Which leads me to love. Can I love my family if I can't trust them? Is trust a part of love?
Why should it matter again?

When I wonder, I wonder why things go. Why did my cat die? Why did my uncle die? My grandparents?
And for what reason?
Old age?
Suicide?

Reason, reason, reason. I have no title to life besides reason. All I want is a reason, all I need is a reason.
Should it matter?
I just don't understand. Will I when I die? And will that be too late?

The nurse has come in now, she's brought my lunch. Still she doesn't break much of the silence, she set the container down, and left. So here I am in complete silence.
Eating takes it away, now all I think about it, this food tastes like nothing, who cooks this? If I ever said it aloud would I offend someone? They must get someone who can't cook to cook. Like myself.
I can't cook. No, I ruined two of my mother's pots. Making.. popcorn and hot dogs. Yes, I should stick to microwave popcorn.

Here I go again, one thing leads to another. Again I wonder, is this how the world goes? How the world spins? One thing after another, is there an end?

I can't wait until the silence stops, and I have to go to talking sessions for an hour.