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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Wonderland Chronicles #1dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Queen_of_spades
    ASL Info:    17/f/under your bed
    Elite Ratio:    2.94 - 90/138/83
    Words: 249
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 80
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1488



    Description:
       This is like an ongoing poetry-story.

    Almost like Phantasmagoria. {<3}

    I hope that you'll enjoy!

    The next will be up soon, hopefully.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWonderland Chronicles #1dots
    -------------------------------------------


    If you look, very hard
    you'll find me in a kind of yard
    a forest, trees, fungi too
    even the occasional clockwork shrew
    In my world, things are much stranger
    the floor is sequenced into checkers
    one end houses the Queen of Heart's palace,
    and the other's mine, of course, not alice's.
    My sky sits purple, it is plain
    that with all the mirrors, I am vain,
    but in the end, they're really just portals
    to that wonderful world where I am immortal
    where the grass is black, and the trees are green
    not everything has to be as it seems
    mr white rabbit is not so very white
    in fact, he is brown, and glows green in the night
    but what is night, you ask, if the day is purple?
    and night is of course just a revolution of a circle
    Night is gray, unlike the clouds in the sky,
    sometimes it is white, Or even black, I wonder why.
    wonderland has nothing on me
    my suits of cards get along in threes
    I am the queen of spades, you see,
    no other around outside is quite like me.
    I am the oddity of these parts,
    they don't know about the red rain, or the performing arts
    you see, I am Rose, and they follow me
    I am in control of all of this
    just wait and see
    I have not defeated the queen of Hearts,
    She controls the other half, and there,
    there is only dark.




    Submitted on 2008-07-11 07:41:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      first off i have to say that comma in the first line really sets the pace and rhythm of this poem/story. i didn't notice it the first time around, but the second time around i did and said..oooohhhhh.

    now, on to business.

    but in the end, they're really just portals
    to that wonderful world where I am immortal

    the metre there feels a little strained...maybe if you tweaked the last part of the first line...
    something like this.


    but in the end, they're only portals
    to that wonderful world where i am immortal

    mr white rabbit is not so very white

    omgosh that line is so choppy. perhaps,

    mr white rabbit's not very white

    another suggestion (and please only take these as suggestions...i absolutely loved the piece, i just want to be constructive in my comments)

    and night is of course just a revolution of a circle

    that line seems to have too many syllables....
    perhaps if you cut 'a' out of it...
    here are two ways that could work...

    and night is of course just Revolution of a circle

    or

    and night is of course just a revolution of Circle

    i like the second the best (although both are horrible) because perhaps Circle could be a character in this world of yours...in the first one, Revolution could be a popular idea amongst the creatures and inhabitants...idk where i was going with that...

    sometimes it is white, Or even black, I wonder why.

    again here one word just distracts me...

    sometimes it is white, even black, ....

    and then there maybe you could put i wonder why in italics so that you break away, thinking to yourself....

    sometimes it is white, even black, i wonder why

    lastly.

    I am in control of all of this
    just wait and see
    I have not defeated the queen of Hearts,
    She controls the other half, and there,
    there is only dark.

    -----

    I am in control of all this
    wait and see
    i have not defeated the queen of Hearts,
    she controls the other half, and there,
    there's only dark.

    anyway, all that aside...i loved the piece. really nice work, can't wait to read more
    | Posted on 2008-07-11 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
      "but in the end, they're really just portals
    to that wonderful world where I am immortal
    where the grass is black, and the trees are green
    not everything has to be as it seems"
    The best part.
    Some of it was a little forced but, It was good Im going to send the link to my mum cuz shes a huge alice fan.
    ~Carrie
    | Posted on 2008-07-11 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]



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