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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: insomniadots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sir Jimeth
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Earth
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 82/40/36
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 317
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1552



    Description:
       Second draft, any suggestions would be nice.
    If you think I should toss it, I would like to know that too.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsinsomniadots
    -------------------------------------------


    Static rising from the floor
    while shuffling feet clamor

    Cross the street
    all this traffic communes with
    noise and you're all the way over
    there.

    This buggy filled
    with boxes and wrapping
    paper. Each a muffled voice
    of things to do and say.

    Odd, these notebooks
    all the words within.
    Calligraphy
    before ink on paper.

    This painting, oils bright and
    gray, painted
    when time marched. Though
    it's no beauty, I look at it
    each day.

    Mute it can not abide me. It
    melts in classical tune. Now here
    nightlife abates
    eye-worn screen where contrast
    obeys and strolls the page.

    Sound too clever
    to roam right roads
    will shatter
    what folds beneath the sheet

    Cerebral and hazy, she
    stands with open hand. Pages
    fill with midday grins and
    blood beat heavy lens.

    Whelmed by all distraction,
    a different snore beside. This data
    far more contracted and meaning
    far more contrived.

    Slide out this hour again
    for glasses and drinks while
    what once hungered fantastic
    now lay starved.

    Reading healthy past
    while furies tug at the side
    if harpies could be driven
    then absolute would define.

    Yet here the truth is forgiven
    for harboring always those lies.




    Submitted on 2008-07-11 14:35:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think this was a really creative piece, and original. You captured an essence with this, that is partially the writers point of view and was partially the environment the writer dwells in. A few of the things I feel like I understood the allusions to personal references but I could be wrong, here I won't guess but I will say it isn't all me putting myself into the piece. I'm pretty sure I might have picked up on some of it just with some conversations we've had. So this was good and I don't know what else to say. I'd like to go over it again upon further thought, because this is of go over again and read quality, like that of really great literature where every time you read it you discover some other great truth. Which kinda sums up the theme for me in the last two lines. Which I thought was clever.
    | Posted on 2008-07-12 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a great one. There is elegance in the word play without being stuffy and inaccessible to the "common man". Your style here in this piece reminds me of something that Billy Corgan would write. And coming from me that is high praise indeed.
    | Posted on 2008-07-11 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]


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