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    dots Submission Name: Don't Give Updots

    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.8 - 23/161/138
    Words: 188
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 520
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1152


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDon't Give Updots

    If you would just take the time
    You know that you would see
    The pain on my face is no secret
    I don't make it off to be

    Remember the first time I cried in front of you?
    Your mood then changed quickly
    Remember the taste of my tears as you kissed me?
    That's the way you should be

    Memory can be very unforgiving
    I remember your tears
    They have reached your lips
    Much throughout the years

    But I also remember your smile
    As I helped you dry your eyes
    I would have held you forever
    You should never have to cry

    The slate you made may seem blank
    But behind that wall is a stud
    If you wait too long
    All my tears will turn to blood

    You may very well feel content
    With the paint you used fill that wall
    Starting over anew seems a smaller task
    But look closely, the task is not that small

    I know I'm not that special
    You have no reason to care
    But what we had was ours
    "Ours" is faint without you there

    Submitted on 2008-07-12 09:35:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I really like this piece, its sweet, I like the motif of tears and smiles, it brings out the emotion of the piece and a real connection. The theme is a bit overdone but sweet nonetheless.

    I feel like some of the lines were a bit forced though. Like you were trying to keep the flow and the rhyme scheme and everything such as:

    The slate you made may seem blank
    But behind that wall is a stud
    If you wait too long
    All my tears will turn to blood

    Do you know what I mean about it sounding a bit too forced?

    But I did really like the ending, I can really related to the first two lines

    I know I'm not that special
    You have no reason to care

    and the last two really stuck with me, it was eloquently put

    But what we had was ours
    "Ours" is faint without you there

    So keep it up :)
    | Posted on 2008-07-13 00:00:00 | by blankscreen | [ Reply to This ]

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