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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Thrushdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sir Jimeth
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Earth
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 82/40/36
    Words: 251
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 89
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1765



    Description:
       This is the fourth draft:
    General notes (so far throughout all drafts):
    There are a few made up words in this. I know what I mean by them, but I won't define them. If you don't mind telling me (if you even know which words I'm talking about) what you think they mean that would help me figure out if it's worthless to have nonsense words defined by context.
    So it's important to know if they're recognized as such. (not that anyone has said or will say anything about that)

    Notes on this draft:
    I edited:
    Removed some unnecessary words (mostly articles such as "the" and conjunctions, especially "and") that did nothing but add bulk. When removed the poem still meant the same thing and the content remained the same.

    From the 10th stanza I:
    1st line: "Oh lo, the shining aide, was met" removed "Oh lo". I may need to rewrite that line without it, not certain.
    I removed the last two lines from the 10th stanza because they were unnecessary and mostly an artifact remaining from the first draft (and mostly making sense only then.) For those who care, those last two lines were.
    "What choice have you, Redbreast sir?
    What shall become of us?"

    After that, general thoughts, corrections, interpretations, feelings, like, dislikes, whether I shouldn't have dedicated time to it, and other stuff listed under the general feedback guidelines... Located under the feedback box.

    Thanks for whatever! (you probably didn't read this, I don't know why I bother.)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Thrushdots
    -------------------------------------------


    And love, oh my, such deadly vices, those that tickle
    and collate
    To stand about amongst such dandies, with nary a subfusive state

    But why? Would it be much better if,
    no, no that shall never be.

    What would we want in our complacent crises
    if nothing but a loveless mate.
    what terrors fall to alleys,
    what shivers grasp the spine.

    Frugal in that heated high, of veins
    and speedways and lovely skies,
    while robins chase their
    yellow birds
    amidst Jamaican trees.

    Lorn, what would such feathered fiends
    give by unison,
    something mystic, one is certain
    one would twirttle, the other twen.

    looming moan of great protraction
    followed by gancrous notion.
    one by one, and twig by twig,
    a mighty nest is born.
    A soothing twistle
    hidden by the passing wind

    Two flames beneath the young birch tree,
    not yet to match a meet.
    A roaring roast atop the roots
    hunger, hunger, the quivering air
    consumed to fuel a sweat

    Redbreast, how swarthy thee,
    and too your shining aide
    flashing toward amends.

    Heat pushes further,
    salted embers flash!
    Return Redbreast, what news have you, for
    the yellow bird within your nest?

    The shining aide, was met
    with deathly grins!
    betrothed to a steely cage,
    naught to sing again.

    In his echoed dubiety,
    the yellow bird was gone.
    Lone he sat, upon his branch
    knowing the both of us.

    How quickly did those torrid flames,
    burn up the kindly thrush.




    Submitted on 2008-07-12 13:09:30     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      OK Im sorry it doesn't look like you randomly gave this link to me, looks like someone else did, but the feedback i gave on teh front is still what I think, a little different from what i like but not bad, ugh i don't know how to word it any better. But actually now that i read it again i really like the last line/stanza. And i think the oh lo should be taken out i don't like how that fits.
    Vynom
    | Posted on 2008-07-20 00:00:00 | by PryncessVynom | [ Reply to This ]
      I can see a futileness in symmetry.

    "And lone he sat, upon his branch
    knowing the both of us."

    I like this line because it is exactly like Scarlett. Like the end of the book.

    Ugh, I have to go, I will finish this later when I have more time.
    | Posted on 2008-07-13 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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