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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Inner Freedomdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Nicholas Lala
    Elite Ratio:    5.63 - 40/28/23
    Words: 470
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 139
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 972



    Description:
       For anyone who has them.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsInner Freedomdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A thousand children screaming in my head.
    Pulsating drums. Off beat, keeping
    A pseudo rhythm of pain,
    Enticing wave after wave
    Of gravel, swirling around
    In a steel drum; dancing,
    The dance of agony.
    Freedom not in sight
    The body shuts down.
    Sleep not an option.
    Coherent hibernation
    Sought out.
    Chaos ensues,
    Beauty lacks,
    In words muted
    From life.
    Shallow
    Breath.
    Slow
    Thoughts.
    Powerful.
    Angry.
    Migraine.




    Submitted on 2008-07-14 19:08:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      My mother believes all poetry should look like Shakespeare. Flowery and what not. But what you have written is her daily rant and echoes true. Children cause migraines. I'm pretty sure I have for her.

    The format of your poem caught me as I was reading it. It has a downward slope to it, something that reminds me of negative velocity. As if it is is speeding past zero fast. That is probably unimportant, but it caught my eye.

    Also, the pauses between lines that occurs naturally, you've done that well, is similar to lamas (ok i have no idea how to spell it but i swear I am not talking about llamsa, though I do like them very much) breathing.

    Even though the similarity to lamas breathing creates an a sense of birth, the business of it at least. The wording is finite, stilted, just plane negative leading to a head ache. Creates a strange impression.

    I had browsed through your other pieces, but wanted to comment something that hadn't yet been tackled.

    take care,

    Ash.
    | Posted on 2008-08-09 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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