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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Oceans lovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: twistedchick
    ASL Info:    17/girlie/United Kingdom
    Elite Ratio:    1.89 - 14/39/52
    Words: 192
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 92
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1123



    Description:
       This is NOT one of my usualy writing styles sooooo I hope y'all like it. Editing and helping credit goes to my good buddies James and Jimmy and Bonnie

    please do not read this poem without this song



    Its makes it so much better



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOceans lovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am the rocks
    and you are the ocean
    Together forever under the moon
    These rocks are my walls
    you're beating up against them
    my walls are giving way to your power
    As pressure starts to build upon them
    I should be resisting you but I ask you to continue
    I want these barriers to come down
    to break underneath your awesome strength
    You say you're going to stop
    but I beg you to bring them down
    to continue, and to show me all that you can
    so you do, you begin to pound on the walls
    They don't want to give in but they start to crack under the pressure
    I can feel you starting to flowin threw the cracks
    The walls are coming down and your waves are rushing in
    I feel so strange, so weak and helpless
    everything I've come to know is useless
    all I know now is that I love you
    and that I feel all my strength plus so much more come rushing back into me
    while you're there, holding me in your arms
    as the waves come upon the moonlit shores.




    Submitted on 2008-07-14 20:20:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Beautiful work! I love the music and the sound of the ocean to go along with the poem. I've never seen anyone do that here before.

    Love and Peace,

    Christie
    | Posted on 2008-07-16 00:00:00 | by lynn7 | [ Reply to This ]
      First things first, I will tell you my thoughts on the entire poem...then will come the suggestions. The music does help the poem along, by the way, adds so much more to the words. There are so many ways to give yourself to a person. I find the hardest way to let a person in, is into your heart or head. Giving them control over something so precious and so easily hurt. It is scary. What is even more frightening is taking the step back that allows them to enter. I've never been able to completely step back, so this poem really got to me. When the walls I've spent my whole life building start to falter, I get spooked, and do whatever I can to run. It must be blissful to feel that release. I am only going to say a little about the underlying sexual message. I am not entirely sure it was meant to be there, it could just be my mind, either way, it only added to the piece. When a reader is able to take more than one thing away from the piece, you know you've done a good job. Whether you meant to evoke those thoughts or not.

    Now, for the suggestions:
    I am going to put [ ] on the stuff I have messed with. Remember, these are only suggestions. No one knows your poem better than you. No one knows exactly what your message is.

    I am the rocks
    and you are the ocean
    Together forever under the moon
    These rocks are my walls
    [you're] beating up against them
    my walls are giving way to your power
    [as] the pressure starts to build upon them
    I should be [resisting] but I ask you to continue
    [wanting] these barriers to come down
    to break underneath your awesome strength
    You say [you're] going to stop
    but I [beg] you to bring them down
    to continue, [and] show me all that you can
    so you do, [beginning] to pound on the walls
    They don't want to give in but they start to crack under the [strain]
    I can feel you starting to flow [in through the cracks]
    The walls are coming down and your waves are rushing in
    I feel so strange, so weak and helpless
    everything I've come to know is useless
    all I know now is that I love you
    and that I feel all my strength plus
    [so much more] come rushing back into me
    [while you're] there, holding me in your arms
    as the waves come upon the moonlit shores.

    Alright, that's what I've got for you. You don't have to use any of it, you could use all of it, you could use half of it, you could also tell me to shove it. All that matters is what you want. I very much enjoyed reading your poem, I wish more people would realize what they are missing.

    Hope you liked my comment. <3 ya

    Bonnie
    | Posted on 2008-07-15 00:00:00 | by Krazy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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