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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Scream dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: TheStillSilence
    ASL Info:    20/F/Out in Outer Space
    Elite Ratio:    5.1 - 180/107/54
    Words: 134
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 997
    Average Vote:    2.0000
    Bytes: 926



    Description:
       well just some piece. If you've heard "forgotten children" by tokio hotel, its sorta set to that beat...guess its one of my only songs :

    rip it apart!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsScream dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Calling into the night
    The stars answer back
    And the moon smiles down
    But she's ready to attack

    So she closes her eyes
    Her mind sprouts wings again
    The battle rages on
    It's death to the end...

    The sonic noise of blind ones
    Jump her into the game
    Her opponent claws at her
    But here, she's not to blame

    So she closes her eyes
    Her mind sprouts wings again
    The battle rages on
    It's death to the end...

    Scream, and she screams
    She can't feel, so she screams
    Her blood's spilling again
    Onto the canvas of a paperback
    A story that's about to end

    So she closes her eyes
    Her mind sprouts wings again
    The battle rages on
    It's death to the end...

    And she screams...




    Submitted on 2008-07-14 22:29:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Im sorry to tell you this my Friend but this write could have been so much better
    You started out Great but the repetivness of
    So she closses her eyes and the word SCREAM being repeated so much really took away from the effect of the poem
    Im not saying its bad Im just trying to offer some constructive criticism to really make this a powerful work
    Please let me know if you rewrite it
    I would Love to read it
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2008-10-27 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      This may not be as good as the first two works from you I read. However it is still some top-notch material. You have a gift that you must keep neutering and messaging to help it grow to its full potential. You must also be careful to not over do it and kill it. You wouldn't want to waste it and burn out early.
    | Posted on 2008-09-25 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
      My interpretation: This girl has an imagination that literally takes her to different places, it's that powerful. I'm sorry that I can't understand most of it but it has definitely piqued my interest and I will be rereading it several more times.
    | Posted on 2008-07-15 00:00:00 | by The Wolverine | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    163680

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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    January 10 07
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