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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Burnt Bridgedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: The Wolverine
    ASL Info:    23/M/MA
    Elite Ratio:    4.51 - 74/137/91
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 665
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 705



    Description:
       to my grandmother


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBurnt Bridgedots
    -------------------------------------------


    forgive you?
    forgive who?
    you're dead to me
    as much as he is

    now read this
    and laugh or cry, why?
    don't care.

    There,there
    I know that this
    may hurt your head
    but just know that he
    can still see through you
    like we all do
    instead you pretend
    that it's all right.
    well you started the fight
    but my hands are by my side

    foolish pride tore this family apart
    a cold heart still beating
    life is fleeting
    and soon you'll be dead
    and I won't give a shit.

    You've made your bed
    now die in it.




    Submitted on 2008-07-15 03:35:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is much better. it flowed fantastically.
    Water through my head.
    Still a but depressing, but still magnificent.
    Keep up the great work, and I'll keep reading

    »Haely«
    | Posted on 2008-12-17 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]
      forgve you?
    forgive who?
    you're dead to me
    as much as he is

    now read this
    and laugh or cry, why?


    This piece is way more straight forward than the other piece, I think. You're very blunt in your word choice, and though it's a strong message you're trying to send, the voice is calm and cold, to me at least. I enjoyed reading it because I felt the emotion behind it, but I wasn't particularly fond of the way you
    arranged your stanzas.

    forg[i]ve you?
    forgive who?
    you're dead to me
    as much as he is

    now read this
    and laugh or cry, why?
    don't care.

    There,there
    I know that this
    may hurt your head
    but just know that he
    can still see through you
    like we all do
    instead you pretend
    that it's all right.
    well you started the fight
    but my hands are by my side

    foolish pride tore this family apart
    a cold heart still beating
    life is fleeting
    and soon you'll be dead
    and I won't give a [censored].

    You've made your bed
    now die in it.

    I know that it doesn't seem like much of a change, and this is just a suggestion by the way, but the way that I rearranged the breaks in stanzas was just to place related things together instead of breaking them up in the middle, as the original breaks seemed to do. Perhaps you have a reason for breaking the stanzas where you did, in which case please ignore my suggestion.

    Thanks for the share.
    ~krys

    | Posted on 2008-12-16 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, such words to write to a lifegiver.
    It was written very well though.
    The format was a little weird, it would've been better for the flow had you shortened sentances and kept to measure.
    Eitherway it was a great write. Keep up the awesome work, and I'll keep reading

    »Haely«
    | Posted on 2008-07-15 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    163687

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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