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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Arguendodots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Passionbyapathy
    ASL Info:    23/M/Columbus, Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    5.3 - 207/276/228
    Words: 505
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1340
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 5103



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsArguendodots
    -------------------------------------------


    From savior’s lips to lover’s tooth

    I’d gladly bond my soul to you,

    Self sacrifice, and bleeding hearts

    You shine like stars or distant mercury,

    In the deadened constant shadow

    Of burden's darkened hues.

    In space your body radiates

    Of parsimonious benevolence

    And altruistic isolation,

    Like the sun, you draw me closer,

    Fate entwined with gravity.

    But scorch the vast skies

    Of our optimistic atmosphere

    My darling harvest moon.

    You fear if love was hot like fire

    You’d burn us all to ash,

    But from the seat of passionate affection

    Your admiration warms and soothes.

    I yearn to see your blushing face

    Under basement halogens,

    But your heart is hidden behind your eyes

    Impregnably encased in you.


    I’d break down that barricade

    Erected for all the wrong reasons

    From savior’s lips to lover’s tooth

    I’ll gladly bond my soul to you.

    You never could stop the sun from shining

    Your rays wash over the cosmic heavens.

    One day karma will send a check

    Through the post to you,

    Typed out in fine figures

    Your long awaited “retribution due”.

    You’re like one big riddle,

    A guessing game by candlelight,

    Perspectives forged by a soul

    Deep enough to scrape the shores

    Of the wild river Styx.

    You fight against the current

    Of a shallow life and fate.

    Living is valued not by breaths taken,

    But by quality of the life they’ve lived

    And you’ve been around the block

    Once or twice, I’ve seen it in your eyes.

    They reflect the world for what it is,

    A place to live and learn.

    You’d save them all,

    Or give your breath to their lips

    To breathe their life back in again.


    A single cloud is shedding tears

    Out… over the atmosphere.

    “Look… a meteor shower”

    Like little fires under the moon,

    Complimenting the stars,

    Like contrasting colors

    Across the canvas sky of our galaxy.

    Like larks, let the caged sing free:

    An afflicted personality to dot this fiction,

    And mark this perfect story.

    You don’t, you wont… save me

    It’s long been time you let me soothe

    From savior’s lips to lover’s tooth

    I’d bond my fate with you.

    Let this meteor shower paint a carpet

    Over the preconceived,

    And together… move on with our lives.





    Submitted on 2008-07-16 01:01:49     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm not one for comments,
    Nor someone who knows a lot about poetry.
    I can only claim to tell.
    Some poems have 'it' and some don't.
    For me, and this is an opinion,
    There is something here, an emotion that
    is pulled from those that read it.
    It's not about which words are ordered how,
    but the reaction you withdraw in a certain person.
    And on this I commend you, it made me long
    for what you were trying to describe, feeling
    something was missing in my heart after reading this.
    Perhaps it was love.
    | Posted on 2009-12-09 00:00:00 | by Urisen | [ Reply to This ]
      For several reasons...
    first up, the neologism - arguendo! terrific...
    next - your wonderful use of words
    next - your freshness of thought and concept/s
    next - your unique phraseology and fluidity of articulation.... and so much more!
    | Posted on 2008-12-21 00:00:00 | by CrypticBard | [ Reply to This ]
      astoundingly good!

    don't change a thing.

    it's beautiful the way it is.
    | Posted on 2008-07-31 00:00:00 | by ruejacobs | [ Reply to This ]
      OK sorry for it being so late. boy im just a great friend left u hanging forever.

    First off of course i loved it
    left me speechless.

    one of my favorites


    it was very unique, and passionate.

    I can never give bigs comments like nikki

    but its still one right ( i loved it anyways )

    not really T_T


    | Posted on 2008-07-25 00:00:00 | by twistedchick | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi James,

    You've waited long enough for my comment now, I'm sorry. Admittedly I'm just a bit out of commenting lately, I haven't done so in a couple of months. I'll try to tell you what I think of it though. I'm not as amazed as most of the others who commented your poem, which does not mean I didn't like reading it.

    First of all I'd like to compliment you on your choice of words. Overall you did a nice job with that, and there are some clever rhymes within the words you chose, like.. "parsimonious benevolence" and in other places you did well with the syllables, like "altruistic isolation", that has a good rhythm to it.

    I'd like to say something about the repetition. It's a good trick to just change a small thing in the repetitions "I'd bond..., I'll bond" in order to give it a twist. Though I feel that the repetition in the second stanza is not on the right place, either that, or you should write something in between the previous lines and the lines that follow. And that's actually a problem I have with this poem.

    You use a lot of powerful sentences and metaphors, but some don't follow logically and then the poem looks a bit incoherent. at some places I got the idea that you try too hard to make something clear, that you were too busy to stuff your poem with literary devices like assonance and all sorts of imagery, so that you missed a structure. I can see some back, the poem evolves, but in my opinion it could do with some more structure.

    Also, the flow during the poem is not consistent. for example, From savior’s lips to lover’s tooth

    I’d gladly bond my soul to you,

    Self sacrifice, and bleeding hearts

    You shine like stars or distant mercury,


    The first 3 lines have 8 syllables each, and then the 4th has 10, and that really throws it off kinda. Syllable count is an easy way to make your poem flow well, so you might want to have a look at that sometime.

    A part I really liked was where you mentioned the river Styx, you get the mythology geek bonus for that one , but especially the part that followed after,
    You fight against the current

    Of a shallow life and fate.

    Living is valued not by breaths taken,

    But by quality of the life they’ve lived


    (which is btw 8, 8, 10, 10 in syllables, kudos.)

    I think this poem has potential, you should just reread it some time and think of what people suggested, I've not read every comment thoroughly but FallenGrace said some things I agree with.

    This is not a bad poem at all, but I have the feeling you can do more with your skills. Hopefully you found this comment somewhat useful and I hope it doesn't sound negative because overall my feelings are positive but sometimes I can't get that across the way I want it too.

    Keep 'em coming,

    - Janneke
    | Posted on 2008-07-25 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, J, It's beautiful, Although you prolly didnt need me to say so..
    | Posted on 2008-07-18 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]
      I like your ability to make multiple, seeming opposite, comparisons to the same thing. It doesn't sound out of place.

    "Harvest Moon" is one of my favorite songs and as soon as I read the words it began playing in my head. It probably influenced the way I read the rest.

    I love the repeated

    "From savior’s lips to lover’s tooth
    I’ll gladly bond my soul to you."

    I did not like

    "You’re like one big riddle,
    A guessing game by candlelight,"

    not nearly as lyrical as the rest of the piece.

    Here, I might try

    "Living is valued not by breaths taken,
    But by those held in anticipation"

    or something...

    And maybe

    "Let this meteor shower paint a mosaic"

    I'm sorry I don't have time to comment on the theme as much. it is lovely though, the idea of sensing pain in the greatest of souls, wishing to heal, to give back to someone who does nothing but give, who has reluctance to receive.

    The language and rhythm are right on point, and it feels like the yearning does not grow stronger...how could it? So it remains, like the suns gravitation pull, always there, always tugging, threatening to expand into a Red Giant that erases all but our imprints on the universe.

    And the savior, whether you or god or a moment alone, the breath reminds us we're still alive...so we should live.

    Very nice,

    james


    | Posted on 2008-07-18 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
      James.....


    I can't believe you would go so far into your subconscious to be able to pull out such heart. That is truly what I love about this piece. Whoever this was about probably feels loved, adored, flustered; She (as I assume they are) would give anything to hear those lines spoken by that which created them. I know you may feel your words mean little... That you can use the right words to describe what you feel. You do it beautifully, and any match that strikes that fire would light everything else on fire, just to cast your presence in the perfect light so that you can see what talent and passion you really have. ...Even if it does turn to ash.

    ~Me.
    | Posted on 2008-07-16 00:00:00 | by DustedRelection | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. Wow. Wow. Did I say...wow?



    This is beautiful and ...inspiring...and ,honestly, my heart was beating like a million miles a minute. I think this might just be my favorite thus far.


    The way you blend the words together into a harmonious symphony is out of this world. Everything flows....every little word seems to serve a purpose. The repetitive lines aren't just repetitive...they're smart. And by smart I mean...nobody could really argue against them. They emphasize. And...all kinds of amazing things.


    Wow. Wow. WOW!


    OMSP!

    | Posted on 2008-07-16 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, this left me breathless.

    never knew you had it in you, well okay i did but i didnt think you'd write it.

    you never cease to amaze me james.


    "But from the seat of passionate affection

    Your admiration warms and soothes.

    I yearn to see your blushing face"

    i honestly like these lines, i mean a lot is said in three lines, o_o im jealous of this person, i'd love to be like them lol.

    "Like the sun, you draw me closer,

    Fate entwined with gravity.

    But scorch the vast skies

    Of our optimistic atmosphere"

    the wording you use, its beautiful, i mean you capture so much i dont honestly know what to say to justify how this poem made me feel when i read it.....

    im in love with it, i guess you can say that, jesus james seriously....


    i dont know what else to say o_o


    Nikki
    | Posted on 2008-07-16 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, dude, that almost seems like your own personal wedding vows; very unique, intricate and passionate. I mean, after reading that, I'D sleep with you.
    | Posted on 2008-07-16 00:00:00 | by TheTaoist | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know what to say about this. It's beautiful. I am too exhausted to give a good critique. But I loved it. (and favorite'd it.) Please tell me what this is about?
    | Posted on 2008-07-16 00:00:00 | by Jester_Gesture | [ Reply to This ]
      Holy...mother...of all that is poetry....
    http://www.eliteskills.com/z/163720
    Gog. I...this is SUPERB BEYOND WORDS! In the history of this site, I have never seen such wonder!

    I shall recommend this as the Ninth Wonder of the World. *writes it down*

    I looked up "arguendo" and found out that it is a legal term meaning "for the sake of argument". It's basically a safe way of making an assumption in court.

    Now, applying that to this, I see there are "assumptions" in this piece. One of which is this:
    "You fear if love was hot like fire
    You’d burn us all to ash"

    I can't get over how beautiful and cosmic this poem is. It's like pouring the universe over your mashed potatoes, and then sprinkling on some stars. Then, you down your potatoes with a glass of milky way.

    But anyways, no words of mine are going to do justice to how good this is. Therefore, I am going to do the ultimate action: FAVOURITE! *clicks button*

    ~AsiaticFox
    | Posted on 2008-07-16 00:00:00 | by AsiaticFox | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    163720

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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