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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: wovenwords
    ASL Info:    17/F/the sea
    Elite Ratio:    2.59 - 106/271/143
    Words: 111
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 59
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 721



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Palm trees age
    and their fronds
    droop and sigh
    and look like
    the beards of obstinate old men
    who've lived a little too long.
    My postcard to you was bullshit.
    I stopped missing you
    when you became silent.
    Now I just waste away with
    every inch of the highway
    going south, south, south.
    It's funny how the distance
    breaks and completes me at the same time
    I might sell my life and come back
    so I can become a little less real
    with each passing year
    and slowly start to age
    like the dead leaves on the palm trees
    forgetting how to stay ever green
    in the face of biting winds.




    Submitted on 2008-07-16 16:15:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      An intriguing entwinement of a relationship gone south and the inevitable aging of ourselves. Quite the combination, if you ask me.

    I might sell my life and come back
    So I can become a little less real

    Its dark and to the point, but sort of tongue in cheek in a way to me. As if to say, life gets boring so this is how I keep from being too bored.
    Anyway, I liked this piece a whole bunch. You were original and creative and smooth, and I applaud you.
    | Posted on 2008-07-16 00:00:00 | by Celeste J. Bell | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I'll tell you what, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem.
    It read, to me, as a break-up of a relationship, with someone heading "south" to the land of "palm trees," leaving the other north in the "biting winds." I loved the "aging" of the "palm trees" comparison to "old men's beards," and the effect of "distance" on one's state of mind.
    If I might suggest something (no, this is perfectly fine as is) just one small thing for your consideration: L12 could use a period after"south" to end that line and L13 should start with a capitalized "It's."
    Elsewhere. it's just perfect and conveys a realistic image of a parting, with its visions of the past and an eye to the future. Again, a very enjoyable poem.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2008-07-16 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]



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    January 10 07
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