Description: What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?
Siren -------------------------------------------
Mystic misfortunes of the patient creature
She sits in the sea
Balancing waves against her milky skin
Temptaions of an ideal memory
She awakens
Wake little girl and give us your presence
The water laps her breasts playfully
Open up and show us the day
Envious
Decipher the strangled words that are spoken
Take my hand and show me the way
You really managed to render the leitmotive of the waves, gentle and delicate, reflecting the siren's beauty. Throughout the text, I could feel the dull, guessed but not shown or truly expressed emotion and the majesty of a single moment in time. Top quality work.
pretty good, but I think you should go deeper into the legend/myth. Why is the siren envious? Maybe a stanza showing the siren showing the narrator "the way." Anyway, I really do like the poem and I think you do a great job w/ the imagery; I just think it should be longer
Submission Name: Siren
