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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sirendots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: GhiHaD
    ASL Info:    22/Male/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    2.84 - 46/64/24
    Words: 61
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 977
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 407



    Description:
       What are you looking for in terms of feedback? Any background information behind the piece? Hints? Is this just to vent? Emotional state while writing?


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    dotsSirendots
    -------------------------------------------


    Mystic misfortunes of the patient creature
    She sits in the sea
    Balancing waves against her milky skin
    Temptaions of an ideal memory
    She awakens
    Wake little girl and give us your presence
    The water laps her breasts playfully
    Open up and show us the day
    Envious
    Decipher the strangled words that are spoken
    Take my hand and show me the way




    Submitted on 2004-07-04 23:39:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You really managed to render the leitmotive of the waves, gentle and delicate, reflecting the siren's beauty. Throughout the text, I could feel the dull, guessed but not shown or truly expressed emotion and the majesty of a single moment in time.
    Top quality work.
    | Posted on 2004-07-05 00:00:00 | by the apocrypha | [ Reply to This ]
      pretty good, but I think you should go deeper into the legend/myth. Why is the siren envious? Maybe a stanza showing the siren showing the narrator "the way." Anyway, I really do like the poem and I think you do a great job w/ the imagery; I just think it should be longer
    | Posted on 2004-07-05 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]


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    January 10 07
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