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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I Lose Againdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sweet_rayne
    ASL Info:    25/f/canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.86 - 493/464/111
    Words: 72
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 886
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 498



    Description:
       This was in stanzas but i didnt think it flowed very well. i still dont think it flows as good as it should, but i am not sure what i to change,


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI Lose Againdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I have done some
    Things Iím not
    Proud of at all
    Iíve committed sins
    Against myself and
    Charged into hell
    Letting life unfold
    Losing myself and
    Forgetting all thatís
    Not right

    When this is done
    Your embrace saves me
    Your kiss awakens me
    Your touch excites me
    And I realize it is
    A matter of time
    Before I lose once again
    And become your
    Willing prisoner




    Submitted on 2008-07-22 09:11:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is an excellent write that speaks strongly from the heart, and sends a clear lover's message!

    I think all it needs is a little "tinkering" with the structure and the formatting: following is an example of how putting the thoughts more together might help the reader get the dynamics and understand the verse.


    I have done some things Iím not Proud of at all!
    Iíve committed sins against myself,
    and charged into hell, letting life unfold,
    losing myself, and forgetting
    all thatís not right!

    When this is done, your embrace saves me!
    Your kiss awakens me!
    Your touch excites me!
    And I realize it is a matter of time
    before I lose,
    once again,
    And become
    your
    Willing
    prisoner!

    Nice work, pretty lady!
    | Posted on 2008-08-29 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      
    | Posted on 2008-07-25 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]
      You are right to say it doesn't flow very well. or well, let me rephrase it, It has a difficult flow. Personally, I don't think the flow hinders this work at all it is still pretty strong. I would just rework the formatting of this piece, because the way it is typed is a little difficult to read.
    | Posted on 2008-07-22 00:00:00 | by jayisademon | [ Reply to This ]


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