[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Willing Prisonerdots

    Author: sweet_rayne
    ASL Info:    25/f/canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.86 - 493/464/111
    Words: 71
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 952
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 425

       A work in progress

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWilling Prisonerdots

    A Moonless night
    In his arms
    Everything feels so right
    Never letting me go
    As I play by his rules
    Or not at all
    As he strips my
    Clothes away I know
    How forever feels
    And he pins my hands
    To explore my body
    Uninterrupted as he
    Holds me as his willing prisoner
    And when he invades me I
    Cannot help but feel complete

    Submitted on 2008-07-22 09:14:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i like the constant contradictions in this poem...
    the irony of something bad turning good in the next line...

    an encounter that borders on abusive and controlling...but just the right amount that i like it...

    the way the lines end works for me...
    there is an odd flow that way but it fits the feeling of the poem well, i think...

    "pinned" me to the poem
    | Posted on 2011-03-05 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      hey and hi
    welcome bak and thanx much for the great comment

    i havnt been on inawhile either its aleaz good to read a comment

    i think we write our pieces the way we say them like yor other to comments i dont have alot of advice maybe add a few words that captivate ones, inner being as the sensuality of pleasure enhances anothers sensitivity

    once again thanx
    | Posted on 2008-07-25 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      Try playing with your line stops to creat a smooter read. Remember that a reader automatically stops at the end of a line, some of these would be better joined since smoothing it out will give you a more sensual sound.
    The word invade--I realize why you used it, but know that it gives the visualization of force that is somewhat at odds with forever. ore maybe its just the starkness of the style that is at odds.
    | Posted on 2008-07-23 00:00:00 | by jaycee | [ Reply to This ]
      Whatever you end up changing, (cause you said it was a work in progress) don't change the last two lines, i like how that flows, Or actually i guess i just like the last line,
    I Like it, you already know it could use work, so i won't repeat that. Good job, pm me if you edit it, It'd be cool to read a finished? version of it.
    | Posted on 2008-07-22 00:00:00 | by PryncessVynom | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]