A Moonless night
In his arms
Everything feels so right
Never letting me go
As I play by his rules
Or not at all
As he strips my
Clothes away I know
How forever feels
And he pins my hands
To explore my body
Uninterrupted as he
Holds me as his willing prisoner
And when he invades me I
Cannot help but feel complete
hey and hi
welcome bak and thanx much for the great comment
i havnt been on inawhile either its aleaz good to read a comment
i think we write our pieces the way we say them like yor other to comments i dont have alot of advice maybe add a few words that captivate ones, inner being as the sensuality of pleasure enhances anothers sensitivity
Try playing with your line stops to creat a smooter read. Remember that a reader automatically stops at the end of a line, some of these would be better joined since smoothing it out will give you a more sensual sound.
The word invade--I realize why you used it, but know that it gives the visualization of force that is somewhat at odds with forever. ore maybe its just the starkness of the style that is at odds.
Whatever you end up changing, (cause you said it was a work in progress) don't change the last two lines, i like how that flows, Or actually i guess i just like the last line,
I Like it, you already know it could use work, so i won't repeat that. Good job, pm me if you edit it, It'd be cool to read a finished? version of it.