Damage Repair by jaycee

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Submission Name: Damage Repair dots

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Author:	jaycee
ASL Info:	36/F/ Texas
Elite Ratio:	4.84 - 2397/1162/153
Words:	92

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	72
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	616

Description:
Saw an old friend recently and couldn't believe at how much she'd aged. Guess that's what a really bad marriage can do.

Damage Repair dots

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[b]Damage Repair[/b]

Here,
Here is a new cream you can try
It guaranteed to take off years in days.
Too bad it can't take him off.
Nothing can, you know

But we can try to cover up the ravages
The marks he left behind;
At least those on your face.
The ones on your soul,
They're permanent.

The best thing since Botox
It will erase the stress lines
Breath new life into the tired spirit.
Here.
Here's a new cream you can try
It's called Divorce.

Submitted on 2008-07-23 05:05:22 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I've survived two divorces, and there's an old saying "a good divorce beats a bad marriage anytime"! Nice write, lovely lady!
| Posted on 2008-10-28 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
  i don't know jan.

i am not used to you not having at least one rhyme in there somewhere.

just the manner in which this is put together is anarchic and worrisome.

which is exactly how it should be and as a piece of advice it is more provocative than constructive but then, i daresay you will be aware of that too...

for what it's worth i quite like it when you get a bee up your ar5e and the typos and the grammar police misty meaners are examples of urgency rather than lack of care.

take it easy over there.

hasta,

k
| Posted on 2008-08-06 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]

| Posted on 2008-07-25 00:00:00 | by MinervaBlu | [ Reply to This ]
  This is powerful! The ending hits you in the face with its logic. The hard part will be to get her to open the jar.

Suggestions: Basically, trying to make this more direct in some small ways.

S1 - L2 Change "you can" to "to." L3 Drop "It" Change "take off" to "remove." Change "in days" to "from your appearance." L4 Change
take him off" to "remove him."

S2 - L1 Drop "try to." L2 Change "behind" to "on your face" (Replace L3 with L4) L5 Change "They're" to "are."

S3 - L2 Drop "lines." L3 Change "the" to "your." (Add a line break)

S4 - L2 (S3-L5) Change "you can" to "to." (Add a line break so that your last line stands alone.

Simple stuff really, that will make this more forward, more direct.

Phil
| Posted on 2008-07-24 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
  Ouch. I like this. It is very straightforward and to the point. I like the clever wording, and the fact that the words were not traded for more flowery alternatives. DIVORCE. Pops out, gives real emphasis. Good write. Upsetting topic, but it was handled well.
| Posted on 2008-07-23 00:00:00 | by brokenmuse | [ Reply to This ]

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