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    dots Submission Name: fallingdots

    Author: jermwerm
    ASL Info:    26/m/FRESNO CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.29 - 203/268/83
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 594
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 966


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I've fallen, seem to have lost evrything. hopless withered thought, memories just disbelief. farther back I drift alone. In the rain my path is thrown.
    Love is lost and far to long, broken down these days I crawl. kindled in some distant dream is laughfter, sunshine and redeam.
    Nothing left, gasp for breath, nightmares are my sleeplessness. I just don't understand, why I'm cursed hand in hand. Damned, souless as if never birthed. I feel like I should just give up and care no more for cause of just. Why have I been denied? I gave my all yet here I die. Cry, evry night, drive myself insane. bleeding within my deepest heart, farther as I drift apart.
    Evry time I feel content, I find the truth in my own blame. So I think this is the end of me, the end of care, of love I seek. The past has stolen any sleep, in change of nightmares that run cheap. So I give up on evrything, as someone else I'll feel no pain.

    Submitted on 2008-07-26 08:02:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      maybe you wanna think about putting this through a spell check? and maybe putting in some kind of formatting. line breaks would be very powerful in adding to the direct impact.

    it seems to me what you have here is a wild apple tree of thoughts and feelings that you are trying to convey. apple trees produce better fruit if they are pruned and if the apples are thinned out at the start of season.
    so maybe we try pruning?

    heres a coupla thoughts to do with what you will:

    I've fallen,
    lost evrything


    farther back I drift
    alone. In the rain
    my path is thrown.

    Love is lost
    and far to long,

    these days I crawl.
    kindled in some distant
    dream is laughfter, sunshine
    and redeam.

    grouping ideas and strengthening pauses with line breaks/stanza breaks so that power can be delivered. its your piece and your feelings so put the emphasis where you need it to be.
    | Posted on 2008-07-26 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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