[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: fallingdots

    Author: jermwerm
    ASL Info:    26/m/FRESNO CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.29 - 203/268/83
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 633
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 966


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    I've fallen, seem to have lost evrything. hopless withered thought, memories just disbelief. farther back I drift alone. In the rain my path is thrown.
    Love is lost and far to long, broken down these days I crawl. kindled in some distant dream is laughfter, sunshine and redeam.
    Nothing left, gasp for breath, nightmares are my sleeplessness. I just don't understand, why I'm cursed hand in hand. Damned, souless as if never birthed. I feel like I should just give up and care no more for cause of just. Why have I been denied? I gave my all yet here I die. Cry, evry night, drive myself insane. bleeding within my deepest heart, farther as I drift apart.
    Evry time I feel content, I find the truth in my own blame. So I think this is the end of me, the end of care, of love I seek. The past has stolen any sleep, in change of nightmares that run cheap. So I give up on evrything, as someone else I'll feel no pain.

    Submitted on 2008-07-26 08:02:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      maybe you wanna think about putting this through a spell check? and maybe putting in some kind of formatting. line breaks would be very powerful in adding to the direct impact.

    it seems to me what you have here is a wild apple tree of thoughts and feelings that you are trying to convey. apple trees produce better fruit if they are pruned and if the apples are thinned out at the start of season.
    so maybe we try pruning?

    heres a coupla thoughts to do with what you will:

    I've fallen,
    lost evrything


    farther back I drift
    alone. In the rain
    my path is thrown.

    Love is lost
    and far to long,

    these days I crawl.
    kindled in some distant
    dream is laughfter, sunshine
    and redeam.

    grouping ideas and strengthening pauses with line breaks/stanza breaks so that power can be delivered. its your piece and your feelings so put the emphasis where you need it to be.
    | Posted on 2008-07-26 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    Incubus written by monad
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    This written by Chelebel
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    untitled written by Chelebel
    In the end written by Janesaddiction
    To written by SavedDragon
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Linger written by saartha
    Wasps written by Wolfwatching
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]