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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: II. The Pastdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Crestfallenman
    ASL Info:    21/M/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 593/819/331
    Words: 60
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 65
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 376



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsII. The Pastdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Winter comes to play,
    Summer is over now.
    When the time is right,
    We will live again.
    And dance under the golden sun.
    Like we were children all over again.


    If this nightmare can be,
    Then the life once lived is around me.
    I just need to search harder.

    Just need to open to a new preception.




    Submitted on 2008-07-27 10:11:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      On the whole, I loved this.

    I shall critique from the end. The word there, I am almost certain it should be perception rather than preception. I can find the meaning of precept but not preception.

    Now, if you say summer or spring comes to play, it sounds appropriate; but when you say winter...winter represents cold, longing etc...maybe another word could suffice for play.

    Do you really need the full stop after the 4th line?

    However, this poem was quite beautiful...especially the first stanza, the last lines :

    "When the time is right,
    We will live again.
    And dance under the golden sun.
    Like we were children all over again."

    My friend, you decide when the nightmare ends, so let it be.

    The line "I just need to search harder." is a bit awkward though but this was a good write altogether.

    Keep it up.
    God bless.
    | Posted on 2008-08-26 00:00:00 | by nevender | [ Reply to This ]
      very original and very deep your lyrics remind me of jim morrison for some reason keep up whatever you're doing...........i hate to see talent go to waste..........this song made me think of the hard times and why we need to overcome them.....awesome.
    | Posted on 2008-07-28 00:00:00 | by knudson18 | [ Reply to This ]


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