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as of yet untitled

Author: Katrinagolden
ASL Info:    27/F/chicago
Elite Ratio:    7.22 - 228 /213 /53
Words: 209
Class/Type: Misc /Serious
Total Views: 1324
Average Vote:    4.0000
Bytes: 1258


rough draft....any comments will be helpful

as of yet untitled

Take a good look at me
Remember what you see
This face
These eyes
Will only be a memory to you
one day thats all thatll remain for you

Im tired of the lies
The mask that i wear whenever youre around
Your like this void
That sucks you in
And when youre sucked out you feel like Somethings missing
But its only because youve been drugged
Into thinking that the void is important

Take a good look at me
At the girl that you see
You think you know me so well
I laugh at that remark
If you knew me so well youd know the pain you inflict
How I die a little inside everytime I remember your name

Im tired of empty worlds
I have seen another world
A world full of hope and promise
Of happiness and freedom

So with these words I say goodbye
And I wish you to remember this face and these eyes
Let them be your constant reminder of the power that you hold
Of the pain you can inflict
The influence you have

Learn from these mistakes
Not everyone can escape the void
But I have struggled
And finally I am free

Submitted on 2008-07-28 04:31:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Mmmm... I like the piece... I like the fact that when I read it I feel your strength.. I feel passion and anger. I like that your making a move... if it is the right move or not I am not sure... I am even sure If I am in any position to say anything... it feels wrong, mainly because I know that the more I say... the further you go away....

It needs some work... its a good piece but I kinda lost that passion in the last stanza so I would say work on that... give me a little more rawness...

I hope everything goes well...

| Posted on 2008-10-01 00:00:00 | by ladydeathstrike | [ Reply to This ]
  It's interesting what people can do to other people. Especially at the manipulation that we have for one another. Some people know how to use it, other people don't know how to get out of it.

Setting yourself apart from being manipulated to being free is a big deal and so i admire poems that have strength like that.

The only downfall of this piece is the punctuation such as "You're" and "I'm" and "I". It might be not that important but it does show that you're put effort into it and that it's not just about the idea. It's like drawing a picture. Without the detail, you can't admire the picture for what it is. If the details are missing, it's not complete.

Other than that, nicely done. I like the title though it doesn't correspond with the idea of the piece itself.

Have a great day.

| Posted on 2008-07-30 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]

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