as of yet untitled
|
|
Description:
rough draft....any comments will be helpful
as of yet untitled
Take a good look at me Remember what you see This face These eyes Will only be a memory to you one day thats all thatll remain for you Im tired of the lies The mask that i wear whenever youre around Your like this void That sucks you in And when youre sucked out you feel like Somethings missing But its only because youve been drugged Into thinking that the void is important Take a good look at me At the girl that you see You think you know me so well I laugh at that remark If you knew me so well youd know the pain you inflict How I die a little inside everytime I remember your name Im tired of empty worlds I have seen another world A world full of hope and promise Of happiness and freedom So with these words I say goodbye And I wish you to remember this face and these eyes Let them be your constant reminder of the power that you hold Of the pain you can inflict The influence you have Learn from these mistakes Not everyone can escape the void But I have struggled And finally I am free |
Submitted on 2008-07-28 04:31:43 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post
Comments
| Mmmm... I like the piece... I like the fact that when I read it I feel your strength.. I feel passion and anger. I like that your making a move... if it is the right move or not I am not sure... I am even sure If I am in any position to say anything... it feels wrong, mainly because I know that the more I say... the further you go away.... It needs some work... its a good piece but I kinda lost that passion in the last stanza so I would say work on that... give me a little more rawness... I hope everything goes well... Andrea | Posted on 2008-10-01 00:00:00 | by ladydeathstrike | [ Reply to This ] | It's interesting what people can do to other people. Especially at the manipulation that we have for one another. Some people know how to use it, other people don't know how to get out of it. | Setting yourself apart from being manipulated to being free is a big deal and so i admire poems that have strength like that. The only downfall of this piece is the punctuation such as "You're" and "I'm" and "I". It might be not that important but it does show that you're put effort into it and that it's not just about the idea. It's like drawing a picture. Without the detail, you can't admire the picture for what it is. If the details are missing, it's not complete. Other than that, nicely done. I like the title though it doesn't correspond with the idea of the piece itself. Have a great day. irina | Posted on 2008-07-30 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ] | |
164054