Hallowed Catacomb by Sirbongatron

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Submission Name: Hallowed Catacomb dots

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Author:	Sirbongatron
ASL Info:	19/M/NC
Elite Ratio:	4.74 - 19/18/21
Words:	90

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	48
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	599

Description:
Attempted a poem....... Have at it.

Hallowed Catacomb dots

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So what are dreams if only lies
Crimson skies and stark white lies
What are emotions entwined with fear
That hallow catacomb that we draw near?

Our hands are clasped down through the dark
Stones; hollow our footsteps drop
And your pallid light will guide the way
As I shuffle in shadow’s day

Near the end a pinhole of light
Shattered myriad of our crystal dream
Artificial fluorescents buzz on to life
And lustful fairytales swivel and fade
For dreams are not made
To haunt during day

Submitted on 2008-07-29 03:25:54 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
This is rather beautiful and very melancholy. I love the last stanza the best, the extra two lines tie it all very well.

Near the end a pinhole of light
shattered myriad of our crystal dream
artificial fluorescents buzz on to life
and lustful fairytales swivel and fade
for dreams are not made
to haunt during day.

I think the words themselves are very free...I wonder who the person is who is shedding this pallid light.
As for being lost and walking with hollow footsteps, there is not enough world for everyone to walk about it lost all the time, will they not eventually find home on the other side of it?
thanks for the read
dancer
| Posted on 2008-08-02 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]
This poem isn't too bad for an "attempt", the main thing is it seems really choppy and not too freely on the flowing of the words. That happens sometimes when you try to pick words that may not be exactly what you want to say, but they rhyme so you stick it in there. Rhyming poetry, I'm my opinion, takes away from the meaning of the piece, because the author tries too hard to make certain words fit. I know, because the first poem I ever wrote was based off of a rhyme scheme (it's posted on my page; "paint") and the elementary words I pit there to make it rhyme totally took away from the piece. Try writing a poem that comes straight from the heart without a certain rhyme scheme. I enjoyed the reading this, so keep it up. Thanks for posting it, take it easy.

Nick
| Posted on 2008-07-30 00:00:00 | by Nicholas Lala | [ Reply to This ]

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