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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: flowers and bonesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Icarus
    ASL Info:    19/m/uk
    Elite Ratio:    7.24 - 386/347/54
    Words: 332
    Class/Type: Story/Childrens
    Total Views: 45
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1655



    Description:
       new at this formatting jazz... but gee ain't it exciting!

    all criticisms very welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsflowers and bonesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My grandad had a shotgun.
    When my gran died
    he went outside and shot the heavens.


    Awful coffee and fatty bacon rashes. Morning

    in the country crumbles like egg shells and ash.

    You can taste earth in the air, in the water.


    Do ghosts survive like mice in the undergrowth?


    The fields rumbled and one pigeon tumbled.
    Smashed right through the greenhouse.


    A temple of tomato plants. A hostage

    of sacrifices we burnt to nothing in particular.

    Chants of witchdoctors got lost to the wind.


    A cat came and pulled the dead bird out.

    Grandad turned to me, said that’s how
    they collected gran’s soul.


    Last time I saw gran she smiled.

    like Atlas when he discovered.

    that all along it was orbit and gravity.





    Submitted on 2008-07-31 20:14:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      are souls collected like
    soft whispers from
    the canopy of heaven?

    or does the blast
    of exhalation from
    an indifferent deity
    pluck them from
    another plane?

    Those are this babbler's thoughts concerning this write. And I see nothing but connection between the action you describe and the backdrop that interspersed the actions.
    | Posted on 2008-08-02 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Positive first: I love the last stanza. Combining two ideas like that, the science and legend, ias what I try and miserably fail to do in my own writing.

    I did have trouble figuring out what emotion you were trying to get across. I'm sorry I can't tell you how to fix it. And although italics can add something in some situations, you've got to beware the way they can lend an unconnected feeling to this poem.

    Bash! Bash! Bash!

    I do really like the contrast between the story in italics and the poetic statements in plain type. All in all, it was an excellent poem/story. (Why was it labeled story, by the way?)
    | Posted on 2008-07-31 00:00:00 | by LunaMoth | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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