Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: thoughtsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: essence of life
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 33/38/21
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Depressed
    Total Views: 645
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 671



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthoughtsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You lay there crying. An endless stream of tears thoughts raceing till they make no sense.

    You think your not good enough you wonder why everyone is better.

    If the world was created equally then why are you the worst.

    You think theres someone worst off but realize your the worst too come.

    You believe your better then killing yourself but see the true.

    As you write your last words and prepare too die the very last second you wanna live a second chance too change things for yourself you see the truth right?

    Wrong a twisted joke that can't be your life your dead now.




    Submitted on 2008-08-01 03:49:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You lay there crying. An endless stream of tears thoughts raceing till they make no sense. You think your not good enough you wonder why everyone is better. If the world was created equally then why are you the worst. You think theres someone worst off but realize your the worst too come. You believe your better then killing yourself but see the true. As you write your last words and prepare too die the very last second you wanna live a second chance too change things for yourself you see the truth right? Wrong a twisted joke that can't be your life your dead now.

    alright, here's a re write of this...and i'm going to break it up and fix all the mis spellings.
    don't be discouraged...you just need to sit and think about your work after you've written it and edit it before you post.

    here goes.

    Thoughts

    you lay there, crying
    an endless stream of tears,
    thoughts racing til they make no sense.

    you think you're not good enough.
    you wonder why everyone is better.
    if the world was created equal...
    why are you the worst?
    you believe you are better than killing yourself...
    but we know the truth.

    you write your last words
    and prepare to die,
    but how conveniently
    at the last second
    you change your mind
    you want a second chance
    to change yourself,
    a second chance to survive.
    you finally see the truth,
    finally see the light,
    right?
    Wrong.
    it's all a twisted joke.
    because you're dead now.


    the thing that was wrong with this piece was there were a lot of grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, using too instead of to...things of that nature, and it didn't flow too good. the idea of the piece is a little played out, i've read a million poems about killing yourself. but this piece has potential. just spend a little more time on you poems before you post them.

    <3 kryslee.
    | Posted on 2008-08-01 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    164188

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry