Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: thoughtsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: essence of life
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 33/38/21
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Depressed
    Total Views: 649
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 671



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthoughtsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You lay there crying. An endless stream of tears thoughts raceing till they make no sense.

    You think your not good enough you wonder why everyone is better.

    If the world was created equally then why are you the worst.

    You think theres someone worst off but realize your the worst too come.

    You believe your better then killing yourself but see the true.

    As you write your last words and prepare too die the very last second you wanna live a second chance too change things for yourself you see the truth right?

    Wrong a twisted joke that can't be your life your dead now.




    Submitted on 2008-08-01 03:49:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      You lay there crying. An endless stream of tears thoughts raceing till they make no sense. You think your not good enough you wonder why everyone is better. If the world was created equally then why are you the worst. You think theres someone worst off but realize your the worst too come. You believe your better then killing yourself but see the true. As you write your last words and prepare too die the very last second you wanna live a second chance too change things for yourself you see the truth right? Wrong a twisted joke that can't be your life your dead now.

    alright, here's a re write of this...and i'm going to break it up and fix all the mis spellings.
    don't be discouraged...you just need to sit and think about your work after you've written it and edit it before you post.

    here goes.

    Thoughts

    you lay there, crying
    an endless stream of tears,
    thoughts racing til they make no sense.

    you think you're not good enough.
    you wonder why everyone is better.
    if the world was created equal...
    why are you the worst?
    you believe you are better than killing yourself...
    but we know the truth.

    you write your last words
    and prepare to die,
    but how conveniently
    at the last second
    you change your mind
    you want a second chance
    to change yourself,
    a second chance to survive.
    you finally see the truth,
    finally see the light,
    right?
    Wrong.
    it's all a twisted joke.
    because you're dead now.


    the thing that was wrong with this piece was there were a lot of grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, using too instead of to...things of that nature, and it didn't flow too good. the idea of the piece is a little played out, i've read a million poems about killing yourself. but this piece has potential. just spend a little more time on you poems before you post them.

    <3 kryslee.
    | Posted on 2008-08-01 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    164188

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Carry written by saartha
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Records I written by Raphael
    The World written by jjd
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    I AM THANKFUL FOR written by Ramneet
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Shut Up written by annie0888
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    prison written by ShyOne
    Shi written by ShyOne
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    Tartarus written by endlessgame23
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Angel Eyes written by poetotoe
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry