Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Monoraildots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 213
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nature
    Total Views: 532
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1381



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Monoraildots
    -------------------------------------------



    The monorail
    Only goes one way

    The tracks run off into the horizon
    At the end there is a bleak dark hole
    The monorail laughs
    Parallel
    His thoughts go on past the station

    Breaking the barrier, he hears a pop
    He pierces through time and motion
    Reality changes

    Below the glass floors of the first class seating, you watch the landscapes shift
    From red dirt to red clay
    Dust to farberware
    Tall grass, their tips dipped in wheat colored paint
    Echo as they toss and turn like the fur of a cat rubbed backwards
    The lands arch their shoulders and twist this way
    You can hear their spines crack that way

    Silver topped iron roadways lay flat on plains of rural towns
    There are no in habitants
    Only dust and mutated forms of the elderly
    Men with sores and sagging flesh
    Disease
    This place exists in the exhaust of the monorail

    What is red? Read?
    What suggests direction?

    Why should you always carry a watch when crossing the desert?

    This is a simple one and the monorail smiles
    He knows of blooming petals with thorny stems
    He knows of a singing season

    The monorail freezes in winter
    But never thaws




    Submitted on 2008-08-02 00:51:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm working under the idea that the "monorail" in this is referring to a person (though the classification of "nature" could mean that you're dealing more with philosophical/non-human subjects). When I read "monorail" I think of the vehicle that traverses the monorail (who wouldn't?). Also under the note that I'm just going to do a simple bit of feedback.

    First stanza:
    Whatever the monorail is, the fact that it only goes one way suggests that the monorail is stubborn, stuck in its ways (which I guess is stubborness), or somehow not prone to thinking, more toward just going.

    Second stanza:
    The monorail laughing and continuing forward could suggest an arrogance that the hole over the horizon isn't dangerous to it, or could suggest that the monorail wants to die, or just doesn't care.

    Third stanza:
    About here I lose ability to come up with an interpretation (failure on my part, perhaps). I lean toward the idea that the hole from the second stanza is intended to be a black hole and this stanza references the idea that black holes lead to other galaxies/timelines/etc.
    Not really sure, could just be a metaphorical situation.

    Fourth stanza:
    In this stanza you switch from a third-person perspective of the monorail to a second-person perspective of what we see. Unless it's terribly important, I suggest removing the second-person perspective, "Below the glass floors of the first class seating the landscapes shift".

    I fail to find any symbolic significance to any of the changes. While it seems unintended, "red clay" makes me think of Georgia (because of "Gone With the Wind"). Dust to farberware was confusing.
    I read this stanza as mostly imagery with little meaning individually, but as a whole representing change (literal or in the monorail's perspective/situation). If there's more to this part, I'm not catching on.

    Fifth stanza:
    The second line, "in habitants" seems like a typo of "inhabitants", but it's such an obvious typo that I don't believe it is one. I fail to see a use in spacing the word though.

    The imagery in this stanza reads with a bit more negativity. As the place "exists in the exhaust of the monorail" we could read it as the monorail person/metaphor is highly negative, almost like a poison to all it encounters, thus the damaged and suffering things left in its wake.

    Sixth stanza:
    This one, I'm at a loss. It feels as if it were thrown in there. I know I'm in the habit of writing a word then placing a homophone almost immediately after it in things I write. I usually end up removing them as they don't have much meaning beyond my mind demanding the note of the homophone. That may not be the case here, but...
    So these can either be philosophical questions, personal questions to oneself, to the reader, from the monorail, to the monorail, or simply meaningless. This and the seventh stanza both only seem important when we get to the eigth stanza.

    Seventh stanza:
    More or less the same as the thoughts on the sixth stanza. Though this (and the sixth stanza) could be a case of allusions to things I'm not catching onto (movies, books, etc. I haven't seen/heard/read).

    Eighth stanza:
    The first line in this stanza seems to be referring to the questions (or one of them) in the sixth and seventh stanzas. The monorail is all-knowing (or very knowledgeable) it takes a simple pleasure in the simple questions.
    The second line could refer to a negative lover, or something that I, again, am not keen on. I only know that it suggests the (cliché) rose idea/saying where beauty comes at a painful price.
    The third line I'm less sure of. When I read the term "singing season" I think of a time pleasant enough to sing about. But I suppose it could also refer to a real season (I doubt it), but I would not know which based on that line (if it is actually a season reference, I'd lean toward Fall or Winter as I think of them as windy and the wind can be thought of as singing).

    Ninth stanza:
    Here the monorail is shown to be cold-hearted.
    Or the monorail is shown to have a short lifespan, one go and at the end it never goes again.
    I'm really not sure.

    Overall:
    While I'm probably off, I at least can see the imagery well enough to appreciate that aspect. You successfully created a landscape/image in my head that I can appreciate without having to use a lot of words or imagery. I view that as a positive ability.
    The more esoteric sense of it leaves me unsure of its meaning, if any, and thus I can only go on my own view which remains uncertain. Leaving me unable to appreciate a coherent message or thought if one exists in this poem. Being a fan of just writing to create things that sound good, I can view this with a neutral mindset. Knowing some people read things with a desire for it to have meaning (and I think you intend this to have meaning), I must say I don't know truly if the message gets across. Unless my interpretation is correct, in which case, nevermind.
    Finally, I appreciate your growing use of better grammar and (what seems to be) elimination of typos. I'm still not sure if the spacing of inhabitants is intentional anymore than I can find a purpose to it if it is.
    | Posted on 2008-08-02 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    164214

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Beauty Rest written by jackz
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    The Abyss of Love written by poetotoe
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Johnny's Cock written by endlessgame23
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    A bit of Pain written by teika5

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry