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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: A Loverdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 227
    Class/Type: Deep Thought/Longing
    Total Views: 981
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1640



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Loverdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I've identified
    and I
    I am
    in such a hurry to find
    a lover

    the most important thing
    intimacy
    I've lost
    and found
    the most perfect purple rain
    and when I scattered around all the
    beautiful
    spanish turqois skirts
    underneath
    the scent of jasmine and poppy's and
    what is that?
    cotton?

    underneath the clothes line
    there is a little girl playing between each emerald blade of grass
    the miniscule differences make tiny cuts that she can't feel
    she'll forget that she ever scratched her wrists from tiny irritation
    she's just covered in dirt
    her satin sunday's best dress is all covered in
    innocence
    the color of mud and green stains

    she lays in the grass
    she laughs while her dog licks her face

    she does not deny the blue never-ending sky that floats above her head
    and will allow her to live forever
    because she doesn't even think about never living forever
    she thinks about

    smells
    tastes
    desires
    simplicity
    nature
    clouds
    merry-go-rounds

    she'll want a horse some day
    and then she'll forget about that too

    and then she'll remember when she dreams about an old barn
    and in the dream a horse will be tied to a stable
    he'll try to break lose
    and she'll try to catch him
    and maybe she'll catch him





    Submitted on 2008-08-02 04:09:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Just saw this in my favorites and read it again

    More beautiful than before.

    The flow and imagery is perfection.

    My comments suck, I've been away too long
    | Posted on 2009-12-09 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      she'll want a horse some day
    and then she'll forget about that too

    and then she'll remember when she dreams about an old barn
    and in the dream a horse will be tied to a stable
    he'll try to break lose
    and she'll try to catch him
    and maybe she'll catch him


    It ends perfect. Like floating, quiet beneath a wave... the way waves move.

    This looking forward-looking backward moment is a frustrating one. Both are touchable, close. But at the same time--fleeting, distant.



    (you already got the whole symbolic deconstruction down yonder, so i have little to say to you beyond:
    i like it.)

    Aah... writing poems to yourself... so easy, right? Haha... far too many times... Ugh.


    the most important thing
    intimacy
    I've lost
    and found
    the most perfect purple rain
    and when I scattered around all the
    beautiful
    spanish turqois skirts
    underneath
    the scent of jasmine and poppy's and
    what is that?
    cotton?


    These lines are nice--cool breezes. "and what is that? cotton?" Playful. Nice contrast to the next strophe, with satin Sunday's best. Younger, your outsides were pristine (innocent though i'm bitter towards the term atm), and if you wished for the future, you wished for simplicity--riding free. Older, now, soon--next week, in a decade--you are relaxed, well-worn. Comfortable outsides (the hope, anyway), but there's a seriousness inside. The future.

    Hmmm...

    ...all covered in
    innocence
    the color of mud and green stains


    Yep.

    Pretty.




    (turquoise*
    poppies*)
    | Posted on 2008-09-14 00:00:00 | by etheror | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is beautiful. Particularly the description of the girl playing beneath the clothesline. And wanting a horse...and the dream of the barn. It reminds me of you as a child, which I imagine isn't that far from the truth...
    | Posted on 2008-08-28 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      i think this "she" is you but in third-person, while the first person "i" is the definitive voice inside your head, aching.

    we all want that lover to come whisk us away, to show us the pleasures of fruit and sky and ocean and everything in between.

    that horse and stable symbolises the duality of security and freedom: to want to tame someone's wildness to be in synchronicity with your own heartbeats.

    she's just covered in dirt
    her satin sunday's best dress is all covered in
    innocence
    the color of mud and green stains


    virginal imagery yet touched with intense longing, with the notion that love is a blemish. but perhaps that's just society telling her that...

    and she'll try to catch him
    and maybe she'll catch him


    i really think it should end here. there's more power if you leave it dangling like this, y'know?


    | Posted on 2008-08-11 00:00:00 | by discombobulated | [ Reply to This ]
      turqois should be turquoise
    Don't like this much, Well thats not completely true, I really liked the first part, didn't like it once it turned to first person. Took away from it alot.

    I don't know because I woke up before I got to that part

    from that line on it pretty much deteriorates (that really doesn't look spelled right to me, but i mean that it falls apart) from there. Maybe if you just cut that part off, under the last line of the stanza before that put Who knows? and end it, but thats just me

    For the first part, good job
    Vynom
    | Posted on 2008-08-03 00:00:00 | by PryncessVynom | [ Reply to This ]
      If i understand this correctly, it is talking about the same person, but the differences between being alone, wanting love, and the innocense and freedom of childhood from that? If so, it was brilliantly written. If not, well it was still brilliantly written, and it made me think of that. I do like this alot, though it is not my style
    I may suggest you finding and downloading the song (since it is rare) of "Field of Innocense" by Evanscence, from the cd Origin.
    | Posted on 2008-08-02 00:00:00 | by hybridsongwrite | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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