[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Preambledots

    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    58/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2788/1297/258
    Words: 196
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 992
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1186

       ~weeding out anger before the first word forms~

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.



    If I may read between the lines of this fine invitation to your son’s second birthday party (and congratulations to the young gentleman from an old acquaintance of long ago land)…

    I think what you really want (based on the note that was scribbled to me) is someone to love the who that is you. And four years of marriage has left you convinced the man that you married has nothing to give.

    Just my thoughts about love, loss, life…and you.

    I shouldn’t have written. I shouldn’t confess. I loved someone once but the timing was awkward. I should have worn armor and told myself love was learned behavior.

    If…if I surrender to old, dormant instincts and pursue the ghosts of unfathered children…what will I gain? Convince me, I’m willing. I’d love to be loved to be cherished – like fate.

    You really should have asked that question first. Because fate is rarely the option hidden behind door number two. And love, all blind and naked and weak and in need, eventually…well, it eventually grows up. And then it ceases to be a miracle anymore.

    Submitted on 2008-08-02 04:54:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      When I read this, I was under the impression that the part in italics is intended to be the note scribbled on an invitation to the birthday party of a past lover's child.
    The respondent reads, to me, like a once spurned lover who gave and tried, but was denied over and over for someone else. Now later the one who spurned the author comes to the author realizing their mistake in the past; however, the author has had time to think and grow and no longer cares as much (or is bitter and biting back, finally) about the past lover... Best I can think is, it feels sort of like, "My dear, I don't give a damn."

    I don't know if that's correct, or if any of it is supposed to be the scribbled note referred to.

    I'll agree with previous comments, those last few lines are excellent and struck me as absolutely beautiful.

    I don't know if it's intended as pure fiction, or a real situation, but either way you've packed a lot (or I feel there's a lot) into just a few paragraphs. It was enjoyable to read and something that would draw me into a story (if, of course, there were a full story beyond). As it is, it leaves me wanting to know more. What led up to this, what happened, usual questions I guess.

    I feel there should be more, but at the same time feel this is exactly what it should be. I usually try something to be less positive about (balance feedback), but I honestly can not find anything in this.

    The only thing, minor and maybe intended, I don't see that having "Preamble" at the beginning of the body of the text is useful since that is the title of the piece and doesn't necessarily have to be repeated. That may just be an aesthetic thing for this site though.
    | Posted on 2008-08-02 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      this is so perfectly all over the place... fine invitation/scribbled note

    i like the notion of loving someone once... of wearing armour [like a knight in my mind] and thinking of love as something learned like a recipe for lasange or how to play a song on guitar...

    i understand awkward timing... trying to play a 4/4 beat to a 3/4 song...

    the end is stunning... the describing of love... blind weak naked needing... and the offspring that comes from said love... the miracle that is childbirth and the horror that is 2yr olds [and 13+ yr olds]...

    i really like this piece
    | Posted on 2008-08-02 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]