Coalition by Old

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: Coalition dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	Old
Elite Ratio:	3.13 - 69/97/93
Words:	98

Class/Type:	Poetry/Serious
Total Views:	89
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	687

Description:

Coalition dots

-------------------------------------------

frozen;
the pain comes in waves.
retaltiation;
in comes the sensation.

you come half way up
to meet me.
we grind and blood pours.
our lips are bloody.

hatred slithers up your leg
and forces it's way inside.
purposelessness in the glare
or the mind's eye.

our cross is in the making.
wake me at the end of days
so that the calm belails the
king of the array.

disgust is rampant and
the odor is so thick.
a musk of rotten plans.

It's great, but dying.
it means nothing,
it means nothing.

Submitted on 2008-08-02 11:04:57 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
This was an interesting read only because I believe to see YOUR meaning as opposed to the mindless rants I might normally see in somebody's piece. However a few of these vision are extremely huge leaps so bear with me. But before we jump into my thoughts on the piece I'll spot a few suggestions. I first think you should look at capitals to begin your sentences. This only comes to mind because frozen and the rest of the first stanza gains this incomplete segued feeling, as if it was completing something before it. I assume a capital F would fix that. I was also wondering what "belails" is.. I know of belials so I thought maybe at first you made a typo however upon further thought I realized that even if you meant belials, the sentence wouldn't make sense. That spot in the sentence is that of a verb, and action.. or else the sentence syntax would be that of two ellipsis.

Okay, so for meaning. I believe you mean the feeling of death washing over you in the first strophe mostly because of the nature of the last stanza, but also because this is a very existential piece... The second strophe would then be a compliment to that, and incentive for sex as a notion in the piece. I guess it's inevitable given the human ego, but it follows up after with another reference to sex but to a girl this time, in a very vile manner too. It's quite the imagine really... it makes me think of a girl being violated with one of those blank stares, as if she was completely defeated; as if her self was destroyed by the happenstance in which she finds herself. Our cross.. for some reason I saw our "faith" here.. as in fate. But I guess this could simply be referring to a cross between two individuals.. but I prefer the idea of fate because it follows better with what comes next. It lays a religious note before you say "end of days" which could be synonymous with the apocalypse.. And the king would be God. However that strophe seems like a day-dream done by one party as to what may happen in the future because the following one seems to be more in the now than it. I like the word plans here because it follows up on my suggesting fate... This whole piece carries some pessimism to it, which brings up the next idea: Why not use collusion instead of plan? It gives more of smoke and daggers feeling to the whole piece. Also for the last strophe.. I believe repeating dying would work well with the repetition of "it means nothing," as in;

It's great, but dying -
dying means nothing,
it means nothing...

Do you see what I mean? If you don't, whatever I guess... Otherwise yeah. You could spoof this baby some more, a lot more actually... but I doubt you would. I wouldn't mind knowing what the piece means to you, if you don't mind my asking.

-Outlaw
| Posted on 2008-08-16 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.