Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Bluebeard's Love Poemdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LunaMoth
    Elite Ratio:    5.87 - 25/19/10
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1161
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 584



    Description:
       Whoop-de-doo, another love poem. I said I wouldn't write any more of these.
    I honestly don't know where this poem came from.
    "Tenderer" isn't actually a word but I don't care. "More tender" sounds awful and makes the poem taste like burnt macaroni.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBluebeard's Love Poemdots
    -------------------------------------------


    This great longing, this,
    as full of force as the wind;

    it throws daggers against my inside,

    which is

    tenderer

    than you know.


    I will take her to be mine.


    We will wed in the winter;
    the snow is pure and it
    can be trusted.


    I will take her heart and
    lock it in a small stone box
    so it cannot betray me;


    I will bury her smile in the deep and lonely woods
    so it can smile for no other.




    Submitted on 2008-08-04 02:03:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Bluebeard would adore your selfish sentiments regarding locking up love so that it would remain forever faithful. Of course, he would need to meet a masochist worthy of such entrapment (or at least willing to be entrapped).

    My vote is for "more tender" rather than for "tenderer," but that call is yours to make.

    Bill
    | Posted on 2008-08-04 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the honest character behind this poem. It's not all I can see is you, because the narrator can see other people and he doesn't want them to touch her! For me, in reading this poem, it sounds like this lady-friend may not know the narrator too well at all. He has all these dreams of him and her together, and is very protective -- somewhat paranoid -- of somebody else getting into the mix. Somebody might already be in the mix and he doesn't know what to do because he feels so strongly about her. That's how I'd read it anyway.

    I need to agree with Azura and C.L. though; I think the 'tenderer' doesn't quite work. Now that may only be because you have mentioned it and these two have also commented on it, but with some consideration I would much prefer to read a 'more tender'. The childlikeness that Azura mentioned is not necessarily a bad thing though. From the way I interpreted the character, I see him as very childlike, especially with his not trusting anyone. I would argue that it doesn't fit rhythmically; that it distracts somewhat from the flow. The current, 'tenderer', has a strong syllable and two weak ones whereas the debated, 'more tender', in this context, can be swayed into a weak/strong/weak syllable reading. I think that it sounds better like that, not that you're conforming to any rules by doing that but that it gives a better feel of euphony. Also, 'more tender' may have a certain feel for you but many others may not stumble on it at all -- and vice versa. I suppose you know what you want it to sound like, but a good thing to do is to write down pros and cons on each side.

    In the fourth line, 'which is', you use the singular verb 'is'. This would make sense if you were referring to a singular tender act of throwing daggers, but would not fit so if you were referring to multiple tender daggers. Just to clarify, 'is' would refer to the act and 'are' would refer to the daggers. I suppose 'is' could refer to the 'great longing' but this is more obscure. The reason I mention this is because I stumbled a little when I read 'is'! No worries though. I think it would make more sense with an 'are' and therefore be referring to the daggers.

    Overall, this narrator seems quite selfish, as all acts of love mentioned would benefit himself by oppressing his beloved. I think the character is constructed well and the poem does an honest job portraying a different side of love. The line breaks are not obstructive and flow quite nicely too. Good job!

    Peace!
    Camo
    | Posted on 2008-08-04 00:00:00 | by Camo Star | [ Reply to This ]
      Like someone else noted, "more tender" would work in this poem; "tenderer" doesn't sound bad either, but I prefer the other. But to each his own.

    I love the thoughts. The simplicity of the poem, but the depth of its soul. It's very beautiful.

    "the snow is pure and it
    can be trusted."
    This is simply lovely. Snow has often been equated with innocence and purity, but you execute this thought with clarity and without the treachery of winter.

    The last lines were perfect. You have a way with words. Very delicate, and powerful. Don't give up on love poems; it seems they work for you =]

    -C.L.
    | Posted on 2008-08-04 00:00:00 | by Coeur Lazulis | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, first of all, I totally disagree. "More tender" would sound magnificent, and tenderer I feel takes away from the raw emotion that this poem has, and makes it child-like.

    With that being said, the last stanzy of your poem is magnificent to me, in all it's selfishness and honesty, it's so real.

    I don't really have much more words for this, but it's a good piece.

    ~Azura*
    | Posted on 2008-08-04 00:00:00 | by EmpathicAya | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    164301

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry