Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: untitleddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 803
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 594



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsuntitleddots
    -------------------------------------------


    Once, I saw an almost-man throw his head back
    and laugh

    at I know not what. But, still,
    the others around him
    began to smile too

    My lips part, and I speak to him.



    Once, I saw a girl in a blue raincoat
    standing in the park.

    Her boots
    were planted in the muddy ground,

    she grinned,
    and she held a sun in her hands.

    I walk up, and talk with her.



    Neither of them seem alarmed
    at the way I am explicitly smiling.




    Submitted on 2008-08-05 23:08:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Sounds like a Mardi Gras acid trip on paper... all the way down to the explicit smile :D
    | Posted on 2010-01-05 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very joyful poem, and just reading it makes me feel joyful too. (I hope you're not alarmed at the way I am explicity smiling.) (Love that line.) It's shorter than most things I've read by you, but I think that works.

    There are just a few phrasing things: I think it would sound better if you said "at what I do not know" and "she grinned, and held a sun up in her hands." But those are really just personal taste.

    Your choice of words has always impressed my and in this poem it is the use of the word "explicitly" that draws my attention. Without it, this poem would end with a whimper, but that one word makes it the kind of thing I want to repeat to myself over and over and over again.
    | Posted on 2008-08-06 00:00:00 | by LunaMoth | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    164364

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Relentless. The Visceral Fracture. written by Daniel Barlow
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Rooted in Nature written by Chelebel
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Twin Intercept written by Daniel Barlow
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Whispered written by endlessgame23
    A bit of Pain written by teika5
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Dream written by closetpoet
    A Sense Of Things written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry