[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: untitleddots

    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 96
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 862
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 594


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Once, I saw an almost-man throw his head back
    and laugh

    at I know not what. But, still,
    the others around him
    began to smile too

    My lips part, and I speak to him.

    Once, I saw a girl in a blue raincoat
    standing in the park.

    Her boots
    were planted in the muddy ground,

    she grinned,
    and she held a sun in her hands.

    I walk up, and talk with her.

    Neither of them seem alarmed
    at the way I am explicitly smiling.

    Submitted on 2008-08-05 23:08:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Sounds like a Mardi Gras acid trip on paper... all the way down to the explicit smile :D
    | Posted on 2010-01-05 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very joyful poem, and just reading it makes me feel joyful too. (I hope you're not alarmed at the way I am explicity smiling.) (Love that line.) It's shorter than most things I've read by you, but I think that works.

    There are just a few phrasing things: I think it would sound better if you said "at what I do not know" and "she grinned, and held a sun up in her hands." But those are really just personal taste.

    Your choice of words has always impressed my and in this poem it is the use of the word "explicitly" that draws my attention. Without it, this poem would end with a whimper, but that one word makes it the kind of thing I want to repeat to myself over and over and over again.
    | Posted on 2008-08-06 00:00:00 | by LunaMoth | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    Carry written by saartha
    Love written by saartha
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Etiquette written by saartha
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    Fasade written by jackz
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    Push written by JanePlane
    I Do, I Do written by poetotoe
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Cover written by saartha
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Every..... written by jackz
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    the living moment written by ShyOne
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]