[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Destroying the Paindots

    Author: BlueTorcher
    Elite Ratio:    4.67 - 79/97/96
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 728
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1186

       Okay this piece is a little old, but still acceptable i believe (correct me if im wrong)
    i know theres a stanza in there that doesnt quite flow in you would like to help me on it. it would be much appreciated


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDestroying the Paindots

    Atop the trees or down below
    Among the greasy streets
    Lies our love among the heap of trash
    That scatters at my feet

    Once I went and tried to
    Salvage what was left
    But all the memories of violence and distrust
    Detoured my from my quest

    I turned away old wounds opened
    For all the world to see
    As I tried to find the one place
    Where I could still be happy

    I found an old picture
    Of you, of course and looked at it for awhile
    And tried to remember you
    As something other, than the devil's child

    Its strange because every blue moon
    I still feel live for you
    The compassion of a full relationship
    Even if one sided

    But as I sit her looking at your face
    All I feel is hate
    The same hate that made me mentally ill
    And put me in this state

    Never again, never again
    Will you hurt me, the way you did
    Becasue now I am strong
    No matter what you say or do

    So guess what......

    Now Im getting rid of you

    Submitted on 2008-08-06 17:45:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I really can't bash it like you want us to because I think it all flows perfectly well. You captivated me from start to finish in this poem. So I think the only thing you need to change about this poem is the way you perceive it.
    | Posted on 2008-08-11 00:00:00 | by Rachel Ruff | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]