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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: <((Untitled))>dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlueTorcher
    Elite Ratio:    4.67 - 79/97/96
    Words: 45
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 788
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 338



    Description:
       just a small piece of work that was in my head


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots<((Untitled))>dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The world is bleak
    But your beauty astounding
    Your kindess unconditional
    Love unmatched

    Your smile so light and warm
    It leaves me happy
    Even in the mist of a storm

    Personality unchanging
    Emotions unmatched
    While your love shines through
    A bright match




    Submitted on 2008-08-07 03:10:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was pretty good. I don't know if the repetition of the word "match" was intentional, but i didn't think it flowed all that well until i went through and picked them out.

    It's rather short, but it's better than some of your other poems. I like this one, it has a simple beauty to it that, while it could be improved a lot, doesn't need to be.

    -CourtneyLynne
    | Posted on 2008-11-21 00:00:00 | by CourtneyLynne | [ Reply to This ]
      First impressions:

    The last line felt anti-climatic... to me matches are tiny and mundane... something for lighting cigarettes or candles during power cuts. I suppose it has connotations of spreading its light, but I don't think a match really "shines through", more briefly flickers through.

    There were too many "unmatched"s... the repetition didn't add anything, there's no new levels of meaning added etc.

    It's strange how you say keep saying she's unmatched and then call her love a match... "un" is normally a prefix of negation... so it makes it seem on some nonsensical level a bit paradoxical. hmm.

    And finally, it seems a bit religious to me... unmatched, unconditional, especially unchanging... because people tend to be full of change, while gods supposedly ain't. Religious in that it might not be about a god, but if it's interpreted as being about a person, then that person is pretty much venerated to god status... magnificent and apart from the bleak world.
    | Posted on 2008-08-07 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      This write seemed a little forced in places but to be honest with a little touching up I believe this could turn into something special
    The rhyme seems a little forced perhaps if you just went free verse throughout the whole write the sentiment of the poem would improve which in return would create more pure honest emotion
    If you do decide to touch up on this Please let me know
    I would Love to reread it
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2008-08-07 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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