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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sensualitydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Passionbyapathy
    ASL Info:    23/M/Columbus, Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    5.53 - 206/255/205
    Words: 195
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 2066
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1336



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSensualitydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Matted dirt packed by boots too large,
    and a sole to earth relationship.
    The silence snipped the petals
    from flowers now caked with dirt,
    bent and bruised by carelessness.

    If tongues could taste selfless hearts,
    I think that I’d be speechless.
    Then I think I’d view the world upside down
    so I'll be high and they’ll be low again.

    So daunting like a nightingale,
    in your nightgown drawn tight to crafted clay.
    Curves, that tease and tauntingly haunt
    my hips like mountain tops that create
    valleys out of you and me.

    So flammable and ember sweet,
    are you and I in close proximity
    locking eyes like medieval swordsman
    in some festival of passion art, parading
    From your doorway to my bedroom.

    With sleepy time eyes and warm ambition,
    you undress under the heat lamps
    that are my heart and streetlamp shine
    through paneled window curtains left hanging.

    Feather light and sewn in key,
    with playful fingers caressing silken fabric
    spread thin across a beautiful back bent
    under the weight of worlds colliding underneath.

    Our passion sun is setting...
    A late night type of elegance…




    Submitted on 2008-08-09 16:19:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Wow, this is brilliant. Clearly, you spent a lot of time, and put a lot of thought into this. I like to see that. Many writers seem to neglect choosing specific words in the right places but it's apparent you haven't done that.

    Besides the word choice, what was impressive was how you wrote about passion and romance and avoided cliché for the most part.


    "in some festival of passion art, parading
    From your doorway to my bedroom.

    With sleepy time eyes and warm ambition,
    you undress under the heat lamps
    that are my heart and streetlamp shine
    through paneled window curtains left hanging."

    This was probably the only part I feel could use a little bit of improvement. I don't know if it's just me, but I felt this extract was slightly overdone, compared to the rest of the thing, which seemed so.. smooth and well-fitting. Just my opinion, but the last two lines(of the extract) in particular could do with a change. The last two lines were perfect, though. You brought everything together really well. Sorry I couldn't be of much assistance but this doesn't really need much improvement. Very well written. Look forward to reading more of your work,


    Abbas
    | Posted on 2008-08-21 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      When I say "suggest" or "create" there is an implied "to me" after them.

    S1:
    I agree with was_i_ever_real on her view of this stanza.
    And lori_tab on the implication of awkwardness (as in a beginning romance where the parties involved don't know what to do).

    S2:
    l1,2: This means to me that selflessness is such a rare thing that actually finding it would just be overwhelming. Which suggests that the speaker has negative experiences with people.

    l3,4: Suggests to me that this is so disconcerting that the speaker would choose to view everything a different way so the speaker does not feel less than the selfless person. I feel very uncertain about this interpretation.

    S3:
    I know nothing of nightingale's so that may affect how I read this.

    l2: This brings to mind the idea of clay dolls. Which is a general rhetorical/cliché way of talking about something/someone beautiful.

    l3,5: All these together create the idea of lust/sex and the male/female aspect.

    S4:
    This stanza speaks the most of passion to me. I think you did particularly well with your imagery in this stanza.

    l3: My historical mind notes that swordsmen were rare even then. My skeptical historical mind notes that it is unlikely our romantic views of swordsmen are real. My romantic mind thinks this line captures perfectly the locking of eyes between two lovers (or possible lovers).

    l4: The only complaint I have is of "passion art". Perhaps I'm not thinking of a correct definition that would make those two words have more meaning, but they seem to more or less spoon feed what the stanza is getting at and are in reality unnecessary and take away from this otherwise great stanza.

    S5:
    I think this stanza is the weakest.

    l1: "sleepy time eyes" means nothing to me and seems to break from the otherwise well down metaphors/imagery of the previous stanzas.

    l2-3: "heat lamps/that are my heart" is also broaching upon cliché.

    l3: "streetlamp shine" I couldn't tell if you meant the plural "streetlamps" and just forgot the "s", or if you were referring specifically to the light from the streetlamp(s). The next line makes me think you meant the plural.

    l4: If you meant the plural, then here you have dropped most metaphor for more direct statement and imagery, which isn't a negative thing, just the stanzas before this stanza don't go for the direct approach and don't read as cliché. You could play it as the fact that a sexual act is about to take place (that's how I read it) and so things become more direct, but I don't think you meant for that.
    This stanza is the weakest, to me, but I also can not come up with a better way to do it. I will suggest you try to rewrite this stanza anyway. Or perhaps you can make a case that changes my mind.

    S6:
    Reading this stanza, I feel further correct that the previous stanza is your weakest. This stanza returns to what all but stanza 5 are. Yet, I feel this stanza is very straightforward without being that way.

    l1: Though I am lost on "sewn in key".

    S7:
    Here I again question the direct use of the word passion. I understand what you mean and if you feel fine with it you won't change it, but perhaps it's best to show how the "passion sun" that is, I gather, the act the lovers are involved, ends rather than saying it ends. It works, I just wonder if you couldn't do better there.

    I can see the wisdom in the last two lines being as they are though.
    | Posted on 2008-08-14 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not entirely sure what to say. It's beautiful, of course. Yet, still, it isn't my favorite you have written. I think you did a good job putting it together.


    Plus, the first stanza really captivates the readers attention.


    It's like first...CRUSH...then...STUN


    Ha. If you know what I mean. Which you probably don't. It's okay. I understand.

    ~xoxo~
    Sweets.
    | Posted on 2008-08-12 00:00:00 | by SweetAndOhSoME | [ Reply to This ]
      good grief man.

    its beautiful! love the wording, great passion too. wasnt over the top. or completly disturbing. me gives it a 9 ( cause a ten would give u a big ego lol )

    | Posted on 2008-08-12 00:00:00 | by twistedchick | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked that, the rhythym was perfect and so was the imagry lol... youare such an awesome writer seriously!
    i tried to pick a favorite stanza but i love them all!! ah lol :) keep it up
    | Posted on 2008-08-11 00:00:00 | by Kaygrl | [ Reply to This ]
      i liked that, the rhythym was perfect and so was the imagry lol... youare such an awesome writer seriously!
    i tried to pick a favorite stanza but i love them all!! ah lol :) keep it up
    | Posted on 2008-08-11 00:00:00 | by Kaygrl | [ Reply to This ]
      Matted dirt packed by boots too large,
    and a sole to earth relationship.
    The silence snipped the petals
    from flowers now caked with dirt,
    bent and bruised by carelessness.

    and a sole to earth relationship

    that is such a beautiful line. the beginning of this piece is full of great imagery. i am taken away.
    silence snipped the petals
    from flowers now caked with dirt,
    bent and bruised by carelessness.

    i'm sure that i will get this wrong, but i am going to tell you the story that has played out in my head while reading this....
    those last three lines of the first stanza remind me of either girls, who were bent and bruised by carelessness and silence since silence is the number one killer of relationships. or it could in fact be relationships in general, and not girls, that are always bent and bruised because of carelessness.


    If tongues could taste selfless hearts,
    I think that I’d be speechless.
    Then I think I’d view the world upside down
    so I'll be high and they’ll be low again.

    again beautiful imagery. this whole piece is dripping with pretty pictures...
    lol so silence in the beginning is a destroyer, and now, silence is actually ideal....you'd be speechless if you ever found someone to love without wanting something in return...wanting someone to love you without any other motive.
    you'll be high and they'll be low...
    as opposed to you always looking up to see them...perhaps a way of saying you place them on pedestals, but tasting a selfless love, you'd see those you placed on pedestals as they really are. you'd be the high one, the one that gives and cares unconditionally. you'd be deserving of the pedestal (which i totally think you are :)

    So daunting like a nightingale,
    in your nightgown drawn tight to crafted clay.
    Curves, that tease and tauntingly haunt
    my hips like mountain tops that create
    valleys out of you and me.

    that whole stanza, to me, is just building up passion. very beautifully written.

    So flammable and ember sweet,
    are you and I in close proximity
    locking eyes like medieval swordsman
    in some festival of passion art, parading
    From your doorway to my bedroom.

    and there's the passion that was building up in the stanza before. lol i love the medieval swordsman line also. it's really beautiful to watch sword fights...the honor of it, the sweat, the excitement, the...well for lack of better word, passion.
    you take me to another world in this stanza, but you also keep me grounded (from your doorway to my bedroom), which is a good way to describe love and passion....

    With sleepy time eyes and warm ambition,
    you undress under the heat lamps
    that are my heart and streetlamp shine
    through paneled window curtains left hanging.


    then all of a sudden the tempo changed...everything gets warm, the hot heat is gone...it's still beautiful though....
    so...i am thinking that the passion is in the pursuit...in the not knowing...and the action is just a warm fuzzy feeling. something to sink into...passion has a way of taking a lot out of ya.



    Feather light and sewn in key,
    with playful fingers caressing silken fabric
    spread thin across a beautiful back bent
    under the weight of worlds colliding underneath.

    Our passion sun is setting...
    A late night type of elegance…

    and that kinda brings it back to innocence....only this time, the flowers aren't broken. you tread more softly this time, did things right...

    and the last two lines are killer. that's what i enjoy reading your poems so much. the last lines are always so breathtaking. you really know how to end and begin a piece.
    anyway, you were right, i loved this.
    | Posted on 2008-08-10 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
      

    Matted dirt packed by boots too large,
    and a sole to earth relationship.
    The silence snipped the petals
    from flowers now caked with dirt,
    bent and bruised by carelessness.

    Initially the imagery suggest a little bit of akwardness, the boots are too large, the flowers bruised by carelessness(I like that by the way, the image of a bruised flower, it's bittersweet) so that there is an element of slight negtivity in the beginning, but they mostly just remind me of someone who is self conscious.

    If tongues could taste selfless hearts,
    I think that I’d be speechless.
    Then I think I’d view the world upside down
    so I'll be high and they’ll be low again.


    The speaker seems genuinely impressed by the idea of selflessness, this to me suggests that he's been hurt by a selfish person.



    So daunting like a nightingale,
    in your nightgown drawn tight to crafted clay.
    Curves, that tease and tauntingly haunt
    my hips like mountain tops that create
    valleys out of you and me.


    So flammable and ember sweet,
    are you and I in close proximity
    locking eyes like medieval swordsman
    in some festival of passion art, parading
    From your doorway to my bedroom.

    I can see more of the ideas of male and female. Women are typically viewed as dangerous to men because being consumed like that is beyond their control. Some men are aroused by it. That's essentially what passion is. I like the last line, it suggests to me that you consider this person an equal. I love that.


    This is all about desire. The image is raw and sexy, this is found all over the world in all different ways, but it's very human to suggest it this way, I like the last two lines, it's very very sensual, it's interesting that you suggest gender with mountains(a visual of a high triangle and a valley, the same visual laying on it's back upside down, like the relationship between the mountain and the valley and symbolically male and femal, and how the two combine, specifically sexually, but vaguely in nature.) and femal with valley.

    With sleepy time eyes and warm ambition,
    you undress under the heat lamps
    that are my heart and streetlamp shine
    through paneled window curtains left hanging.

    You seem to really see yourself in this person, or all the things that you value, and her weaknesses are not held against her because she can't help them, her beauty and her sexuality make her vulnerable in a sense. Or maybe I'm just seixist. I like the characters though and the imagery is good.

    I love this though. Passion is good.
    | Posted on 2008-08-10 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      Fantastic bro.

    I like every bit of word choice here.

    The first couple lines seemed awkward, but frankly that's fine.

    I like how you carried the garden theme, in some small way, to the very end.

    Well thought out, well executed. And wonderful all around.

    I also liked "our passion sun is setting" which I believe is a Death Cab line, and very well used.

    Good work bro, thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2008-08-09 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      And then ya leave me hanging...

    It's pretty good, I really liked it.
    [Though Pwnage maybe not so much...well, at least over the emo changelings]

    A tiny grammer mistake--i'll--->I'll [IT'S ALL ABOUT DA CAPS!]

    Beautiful J...
    ~Carrie
    | Posted on 2008-08-09 00:00:00 | by dismal_s child | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
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    12. Does it feel original?



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