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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dreamdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 571
    Class/Type: Prose/Serious
    Total Views: 662
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3196



    Description:
       The only thing I can say for this is just that the process of writing it was a lot like the meditation in the beginning, and I allowed it to surface like that.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDreamdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A young individual stood atop a mediocre mountain. She stood in a clearing of trees and soft flat earth. Beneath her and across a small distance the mountain tapered off into a valley. Varieties of leafy towers bloomed spontaneously at the change of seasons. Fresh greens, dark, light and in between colors decorated the slopes. Shadows dabbed green grays mixing strokes of buds with fresh flowers. The individual looked across the vast stretch of land and took in a great deep breath. She filled her lungs to their limit and let go in a slow and sudden single motion. Her mind had reached a point of clarity and she pursued progress. Thoughts and memories floated in and out. Old fears teased and tickled the backs of her ears. She smiled and settled to sit cross legged on a nicely suitable sitting rock. She closed her eyes. She made no effort to consciously seek information, she allowed herself to float in and out of visuals and meditations.

    The environment welcomed the individual. The sky looked down at the top of her and felt her like a small gust of wind that only hints at attention. The surrounding woods breathed her in and felt her as a part of their own. The ground shifted in the breeze and pulled at her soft energy.

    The girl could completely feel her Self. She could taste her blood as the flavor of the wind and the pines and the moisture in the air. She called to the mountain without using her voice. She found a response in a whisper.

    Ive clouded your senses, but now Im back

    This was fear and truth.

    Ive tested you and tried you

    This was superior and just.

    The girl recalled a confrontation by a maple tree on a road some time ago. Remembering the past was dangerous. Her perspective was jaded and full of worldly disease. She dismissed it but hesitantly. She was eager to hold on to her ideas, but understood that such a memory could not be trusted. She had been hurt, she had been afraid; she had been heartbroken by betrayal. She fought the memory and continued to allow her mind to free itself.

    An image of a character flowed through her closed eyes. She caressed his hair. She watched him vulnerably curl in a circle at her knees. She felt forward and knew a memory that had never occurred. She dreamed.

    The dream spoke,

    Ive humbled my strings, Ive not been decided on. Ive rearranged the furniture in this room and the walls are now gray instead of black. We can sit at this table if youd like and I could look into your eyes and you mine. You could keep your pet at your feet. You could keep this trial. You could dine with the both of us.

    The young individual could not forget this feeling. She sat on this rock, in this chair, she stood at work, sat on her couch, and she remembered this new sense of safety that was beginning to surface within a dream, within a meditation. And she loved him again, she allowed herself to love him despite his standing with the universe. He had not yet played out his consequences. She loved him, she forgave him, and she waited for him.




    Submitted on 2008-08-10 03:42:07     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I thought you did a good job with this. I enjoyed the introspective feel of the piece and the internal evolution the character was going through.
    You did a marvelous job with all the imagery in the work; I could almost picture myself there beside the individual near the forest and on the internal journey that was taken.
    That being said, there are a few minor grammatical errors that I think hinder the piece as a whole (but I was an English major in college, so it may just be me)--missing commas and at least one omitted semi-colon that I can think of. Other than those minor things, I think this is a very good piece. BleedingTears said she thought this was probably done in one sitting and she may be right, but it's still a good piece. I agree with her that revision could make it better though--you might include even more of the internal and lengthen the piece, or go bare-bones and take out something you feel might not be working, but whichever, if either, is the case, I think revision could move this from good to great.
    | Posted on 2008-09-15 00:00:00 | by bentnotbroken | [ Reply to This ]
      Very pretty. It makes me feel rather peaceful and content.
    | Posted on 2008-09-03 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      ok, before i forget my point, i understand what you were trying to do by stating "individual", but you really over used the word.
    and we already know that the subject is a girl, and when you really want to point out that it's an individual,
    then you might as well hide whether it was a female or male.

    it also comforted me to know that people still try to capture the image and description you did in the first paragraph.
    i just think with what you were trying to create,
    you surely could have made it a lot more.
    it was probably from one sitting,
    so it's understandable,
    but if you ever want to go back to this piece to revise,
    i surely suggest you really grab the picture in your head.

    and i really liked the part about moving furniture and changing from black to gray.
    and how it's like, progress.
    well, keep writing.
    Peace<3

    <bleedingtears>
    | Posted on 2008-08-10 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]


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