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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 6 o'clockdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlueTorcher
    Elite Ratio:    4.67 - 79/97/96
    Words: 108
    Class/Type: Poetry/Death
    Total Views: 788
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 707



    Description:
       I was like feeling really mopey when i wrote this , lol


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots6 o'clockdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The clock strikes six
    As we all die

    Heaven or Hell
    Who knows ,who cares
    During this crazy ride

    The earth moves
    The sky tears , as newborns
    Halt their tears

    Their eyes wide open
    All seeing of course
    As they meet those of God's

    So soft
    So kind
    Yet.....

    The sky darkens
    The clouds fall
    As were driven into oblivion

    By our own freaking sin

    =============================================================================================================6:01pm==============

    Silence




    Submitted on 2008-08-11 14:11:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Please please please fix the formatting.

    That being said, I really like this poem.

    Especially the part:
    "The earth moves
    The sky tears"

    That was awesome, though you used the other form of the word tears immediately after, which lessened the effect.

    I like the juxtaposition set up with the word "Yet..."

    I like the concept, depressed as it is.

    I would love to see more of people's reactions -- the infant not crying any more was a good one. But what about the middle-aged people? The elderly? The children? What about the nonreligious people vs. the religious people, or the happy people vs. the suicidal?

    I'm torn about the ending. While I do like how simplistic it is, I also sort of want to know what's left. An empty broken world? A vast expanse of dust? Nothing at all?

    I love the part about the clouds falling, though it would have been nice to get more of a sense of what that was like.

    Overall, this is a great write. I'm glad to have read it.

    --Jane

    P.S. The destructive parts of the poem remind me of this section from Shakespeare's Henry IV Part I

    "Diseased nature oftentimes breaks forth
    In strange eruptions; oft the teeming earth
    Is with a kind of colic pinch'd and vex'd
    By the imprisoning of unruly wind
    Within her womb; which, for enlargement striving,
    Shakes the old beldam earth and topples down
    Steeples and moss-grown towers."

    Just by the way
    | Posted on 2010-10-24 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]


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