Well I think this piece is showing one reflecting on ones life. To me it speaks on trying to learn from the past or fall prey to the present.
"Dried from the inside" sounds like a person bereft of feeling or void of emotion who is just going with the flow of life.
devine instructions
incoded in the lines
on my
wrist an arms
That is what we are. Our DNA is the very essence of us being human. It is a code with in the lines of our veins. Thais may not be what the story teller is saying but that is my translation.
Next when did rain become synonomyous with pain when we need water to live. Water is life so is life pain also? Sometimes but life and pain should not be interchangeable words.
come teacher
teach...
got a brawl
brawlin in me
you know i dont react well
when they preach
Teach me instead of preaching to me, that only angers me and I can not hear the lesson you wish for me to learn. Soft not hard is the way.
fears a leechleeched on
leechin possible
possibilities away
Fear is a destroyer only here for the destruction of progress.
I need my shoulders to be broader then me...My,my,my. Do you understand how serious that is. I have to be stronger than I am.
I am legend to me means I am the creator and destroyer of my life. I am my own destiny.
Serena and Venus are legends right? They made there dreams come ture throughout the rough life they were given and they came up. gotta have a thick skin to make it to that point when other expect for you to fall not because you are not good enough but because of you skin. oops...did I do that...
an if...
i can just regurgitate these words
i'll put wings 2 words
away young bird fly...
young spoken words
servin em up @ speedz
of a hundred an 4
This an the next few stanz
are speaking to me like hey if I could just make these words I say come alive when it is time for me to face my fears then I would soar. I wuld fly into a destiny that is unreachable in the stars.
So be whole with your life and do not let the fears that come to devour you take one bite for one second. It is eaiser said then done but this is the termoil that fights within the cerebellum of us all. Fight the good fight elohim and keep writing dude.
You have no Idea what you have done. You sent me air when I had not breath when i did not know I was not breathing.
Thanks for the drink of water while I was in the Sahara.
Honestly, I have absolutely no idea what the idea behind this piece was. The lines are too chopped up to give any coherency to the poem. The breaks in the lines give pauses and makes reading very choppy and difficult to get through. Maybe if you tried re-working the break structure of the piece, the idea would come through.
To me there were a lot of different topics you
touched on, from Serena Williams and tennis, to movies. The Colusseum part made me think of anicent Rome.
It very much seemed like a lot of different poem ideas all rolled into one. It also seemed like you were trying to give it a slam poem feel by repeating words in different tenses. It doesn't really work and brings more confusion to the piece.
Sorry if this was harsh, just trying to help.
Steph
Submission Name: FALL IN...
