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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Can You Seedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlueTorcher
    Elite Ratio:    4.67 - 79/97/96
    Words: 132
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 968
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 797



    Description:
       Any help with the title poeple , much appreciated ^.^


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCan You Seedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Name calling and backstabbing
    Seem to be the norm
    Especially when everywhere you go
    Poeple are twisting your arm
    Trying to get you to be , something you arent
    Which is a precious gift from above
    Sent from heaven to Earth
    Through trials and tribulations you have
    Made it through
    Even though all you meet
    Are not supportive of you
    Youve tried and tried and tried once more
    But it seems that NOTHING
    Can get you through that door

    YAh...... you know the one
    That you see in your dreams
    Thats so close sometimes or so it seems
    One day I hope though that you will see
    Theres more than one way
    To meet your dreams.......







    Submitted on 2008-08-13 03:15:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "The Roads to Dreams" would be a nice title in my head. First thing that popped in as soon as i finished reading your piece.

    I honestly think you poured your heart out but at the same time i thought that you wanted this to be a poem and that you wanted to create some system or some pattern but it didn't work to well in your favor. So though your thoughts are very open minded and layed out all on the table, the way you expressed them and played around with them doesn't work well here. Look back at it in a few days and see where you think you forced the words.

    "Which is a precious gift from above
    Sent from heaven to Earth "
    This part is repeating itself. gift from above is the same as heaven to earth. Maybe making these two lines in one would work better.

    A final advice with your piece. change "People" and add "You've ". It's no big deal but it makes the world of difference.

    Hope this was helpful somehow.

    Other than that, you've got good things going on here.

    Have a great day....

    Irina
    | Posted on 2008-08-13 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      This write is not bad at all though at times it does seem the rhyme scheme was a little forced
    I stress this is just my opinion but I do believe if you rewrote this in more of a free verse style your point would be better made
    Its a great idea for a poem and I applaud you on letting your inner most feelings out and putting them to words
    I for one believe strongly that letting the pain out and putting it to words Helps the mind and body heal much faster
    Great Job!!
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2008-08-13 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]


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