Description: Any help with the title poeple , much appreciated ^.^
Can You See -------------------------------------------
Name calling and backstabbing
Seem to be the norm
Especially when everywhere you go
Poeple are twisting your arm
Trying to get you to be , something you arent
Which is a precious gift from above
Sent from heaven to Earth
Through trials and tribulations you have
Made it through
Even though all you meet
Are not supportive of you
Youve tried and tried and tried once more
But it seems that NOTHING
Can get you through that door
YAh...... you know the one
That you see in your dreams
Thats so close sometimes or so it seems
One day I hope though that you will see
Theres more than one way
To meet your dreams.......
"The Roads to Dreams" would be a nice title in my head. First thing that popped in as soon as i finished reading your piece.
I honestly think you poured your heart out but at the same time i thought that you wanted this to be a poem and that you wanted to create some system or some pattern but it didn't work to well in your favor. So though your thoughts are very open minded and layed out all on the table, the way you expressed them and played around with them doesn't work well here. Look back at it in a few days and see where you think you forced the words.
"Which is a precious gift from above
Sent from heaven to Earth "
This part is repeating itself. gift from above is the same as heaven to earth. Maybe making these two lines in one would work better.
A final advice with your piece. change "People" and add "You've ". It's no big deal but it makes the world of difference.
Hope this was helpful somehow.
Other than that, you've got good things going on here.
This write is not bad at all though at times it does seem the rhyme scheme was a little forced
I stress this is just my opinion but I do believe if you rewrote this in more of a free verse style your point would be better made
Its a great idea for a poem and I applaud you on letting your inner most feelings out and putting them to words
I for one believe strongly that letting the pain out and putting it to words Helps the mind and body heal much faster
Great Job!!
Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
Thank You
God Bless
Ron
Submission Name: Can You See
