I often find myself contemplating these same things, albeit in my words, not yours.
Not that they aren't perfectly good words, mind you. This piece speaks to me, maybe because I've been lost in contemplating this conundrum of common... loss, I guess is what you'd call it, we all lose something to gain something, but the sadness is: what we gain is hardly worth the trouble, hardly worth what we give up.
Anyhow, I believe this is a pretty well rounded piece, and I agree that the rhyming is well done.
I didn't find anything wrong with it, mostly because I was enjoying it too much to bother looking, which, in itself, is an indicator that there probably isn't too much to worry about.
The line: "King I to a peasant" really represents the entire piece itself, very well placed. Never heard it so well put before.
Good work.
If you're the least bit interested, I'm attempting to build a writer's community, hopefully it will be more active than ES has been of late.
I'll leave you with a link, in case you're curious.
I found this rather humorous, though I doubt this was the effect you had so hoped to achieve. It seems to me that you are poking fun at a very serious matter of everyday life, but in your way of making fun of the tribulations you also find the answers to your own questions. It is a unique piece that I'm glad I read.
I think over all the piece was cohesive. Rhyming was pretty much consistent, which as I understand can be very hard to master at times. However the splotching of the punctuation bothered me some. A couple of stanzas have punctuation throughout themselves when one has none at all. It just leaves an unsynchronized rhythm. I don't believe you meant to do this but because I read it to a different beat then what you wrote it to it causes a problem.
Submission Name: King I to a peasant
