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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In a positiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 494
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 675
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2784



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn a positiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Light came in through the windows and rested upon the tiny coachcar bedside table. Left out overnight, was a wallet, a passport, and a rolled up bag of tobacco and foreign herbs. The herbs were for pain and relaxation, he used them for meditation. The nature of his meditation consisted of a couple of snorts, aromathearapy mixed with the rush of confidence to his head. He took it with hot tea and showered afterwards.

    He traveled alone and with little personal property. A medium sized dufflebag with a change of clothes, tioletries, and his drawing things. He scribbled so as not to waste his passing time and he seemed to be doing it with more ease and confidence. Drawing now was more of a pleasure than a process. He hadn't drawn last night, hadn't meditated, and was now consumed by the vivid blue and white that were now a part of his surreal visions of memory, creative interpretations of a download of his days before the fact.

    Right now he was dreaming about his childhood home and a car accident that involved the loss of his two back teeth. But just as he bit down to taste the blood and feel the pain a bell sounded in the hall outside his door predicting a small humble knock given by the indian girl who was the cabin's stewardess. Still tasting a clear blue metallic bitterness he groaned an attempt at "Come inside" and held out his hands a second later when the young girl handed him a small china cup and saucer filled with sugar and cream. When he had the cup in his hand and his eyes fully awake steam poured from the cup as the conflict of cool china met searing hot tea. The girl sat the china on the table and quietly disappeared inside the hall.

    He was the kind of guy that allowed a single five minus minutes in which he was less than conscious allow him to speculate what she looked like without her uniform, and what her lips would tastelike without their brown lipstick.

    She was the same kind of girl that would notice his confident and curious attraction, that would see his eyes looking directly at her mouth while she focused on pouring his tea.

    He did not notice her trembling hands, had he, he might have asked for breakfast cake.
    She might have obliged.
    The day might have ended with explosions having to do with chemistry.

    He drank his tea and wrote a letter for the rest of the afternoon.

    That evening he went to smoke and drink while she made up his sheets. On his way back he met her in the hallway and breifly caught her eyes before she positioned them to study the orange carpet with need. After she brushed passed him he looked after her. She didn't turn around. He knew she wouldn't.




    Submitted on 2008-08-17 05:49:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Very vivid characters. It draws the reader in. Excellent job. So why didn't the girl turn around?
    | Posted on 2008-10-11 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      Overview
    I find the man and woman interesting more because of how they
    act toward one another rather than any characteristics they
    have (the man is the only one shown to have any notable mental
    characteristics). The situation they are in (two people who
    are interested in one another, one who shows their interest,
    the other who tries to avoid showing it) is one I can relate
    to.

    While there are no sexual overtones to the piece beyond some of
    the passive thoughts of the man, I can feel the sexual tension
    that exists. Perhaps I'm creating that in my own head, or
    perhaps you intended it, either way I enjoy it. There was
    something, to me, very erotic when the man thinks of "what her
    lips taste like without their brown lipstick." I don't like
    make-up, yet I feel that I wouldn't have appreciated the line
    without that detail. His speculation on what's under her
    uniform wasn't as interesting to me, perhaps it read more
    stereotypical and near cliché to me. Though thinking it makes
    him more human.

    The early details are fair and many of them I could see or
    feel. I enjoyed some of the background details you provided.
    We were not inundated with the why of their being there. This
    is a vignette (or am I wrong?) and spending time feeding us a
    lot of background would ruin the snapshot of this scene. I
    appreciate this more because I like vignettes. With just a few
    sentences you give us a view of the man, he's an artist, he
    smokes, he travels light (which suggests a wanderer, a person
    doesn't need much, an artist, he suffers from some sort of
    pain). By telling us, "He hadn't drawn last night, hadn't
    meditated" we learn that this is unusual for him which helps
    create the character without many words.

    This section of sentence, "creative interpretations of a
    download of his days before the fact" is a bit wordy. I like
    it though. Though I'm left wondering why his lack of drawing
    and meditation the day before would bring this about. As a
    vignette though, it doesn't necessarily have to be explained.

    A personal preference of mine leans more toward the actions of
    characters rather than the nitty-gritty of the details. So, I
    appreciate the parts that come later in more than the early
    part. Though, I suppose without the early part I could not
    appreciate the later action as well. I can not be certain
    because I can not clear my head of what I now know and read
    only the action.

    I feel the lady in this piece is important, but I also read
    this piece and can not get much about her. The man we can
    understand, but the lady we can not. This makes the piece feel
    primarily about the man and may suggest that he finds himself
    in this position often with women, thus the lack of
    characterization of the lady, after all, she's just one of
    many.

    You ended the piece well. Throughout it we have the sense that
    despite all that lies between these two, nothing will happen.
    You nail that in with the last paragraph and the very last
    sentence. That, to me, is very well done and worthy of
    plaudits.

    I wonder if you could work this into a series of vignettes. I
    believe you could do that and you could do it well. Though I
    do not know if it is necessary or a good idea.
    Onto some of the more basic stuff.

    Thoughts on wording/structure
    Not sure really what the header for this section should be.
    P4
    In this sentence/paragraph you are telling us about the man,
    which is fine. I ask that you consider simply showing us.
    Instead of, "He was the kind . . .", perhaps, "In a single five
    minutes when he was less than conscious, he speculated on what
    she looked like without her uniform, what her lips would taste
    like without their brown lipstick." See, there the reader can
    see the man engaging in the conduct himself, rather than being
    told what kind of man he was.

    P5
    Same thing here, instead of telling, show us. "She noticed his
    confident, curious attraction, his eyes focused on her mouth
    while she focused on pouring his tea."

    P6
    I'm going to rewrite this as the best way to give an example of
    what I'm thinking. Take it as you will.
    "If he had noticed her trembling hands, he might have asked for
    breakfast cake. She might have obliged and the day might have
    ended in explosive chemistry"
    There it is implied that he was unaware without having to
    spoon feed the reader.

    I like the "mights" as they express a matter of free will and
    uncertainty. Because I'm interested in these two characters I
    find it all the more interesting that despite being attracted
    to one another, there's no real certainty that they would meld
    well.

    P8
    Again, a more active voice could be used, "He smoke and drank
    while she made up his sheets that evening."
    ". . . briefly caught her eyes before she . . ." could be more
    engaging as, "catching her eyes briefly" New sentence after
    briefly, "She averted her eyes, studying the orange carpet
    intently" though "with need" could work, it sounds odd (may be
    just me).

    Minor grammar/typos/uncertainties:
    Most of these are trivial.
    P1:
     S2:
    * The comma after "overnight" indicates a pause, but when I
    read that sentence I do not find a need for a pause. Perhaps
    remove that comma.
     S3/4:
    * Combine these two sentences. Something like, "The herbs were
    for pain and relaxation, he used them for meditation consisting
    of a couple snorts - aromatherapy mixed with the rush of
    confidence to his head." Or with a semi-colon, ". . . were for
    pain and relaxation, he used them for meditation; His
    meditation consisted of . . ."
    * "aromathearapy" should be "aromatherapy".

    P2:
     S2:
    * "tioletries" = "toiletries"

    P3
     S4:
    * I understand the sentence, but at the same time it is
    confusing to me. "When he had the cup in his hand and his eyes
    fully awake steam poured from the cup . . ." Suggests that the
    steam was waiting for him to accomplish those two tasks before
    it began. I'm not sure how to rewrite the sentence. Perhaps
    remove from "When" to "awake" and make "steam" the start of the
    sentence. The "When" suggests that something did not occur
    until the events it relates to were complete.
    I could just be reading it incorrectly.

    P4
    * "a single five minus minutes", I do not understand your
    meaning there.
    * "tastelike", on purpose?

    P8
    * "breifly" = "briefly"
    | Posted on 2008-08-21 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      This absolutely blew my mind. There was a slight disappointment that came about halfway in, when the level of detail dropped significantly. The beginning was very focused on background detail and significance, while the later paragraphs seemed more action oriented. I don't to say that the beginning writings are better than the later ones, because I guess its really a matter of opinion.... But I will put a lot of stock in the significance of the difference. Either way, I enjoyed your level of detail overall which was staggering, and the way you painted a unique image so fairytale-esc in my mind. You also seemed to draw from nowhere an extremely unique character... the mild mannered man seemed to in my head take on a life of his own. It usually takes much much more words to create the level of background and comfort I had with your character. I had a "mystical" taste to air... very humble though, more like an undertone. This is getting a favorite for sure... it was so... pure?
    | Posted on 2008-08-17 00:00:00 | by Passionbyapathy | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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