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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sanity Steersdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 300
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 638
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1842



    Description:
       Notes to the standard viewer:

    Sometimes you just gotta release, some feelings will fester even though they have passed when bottled up. This was my, hopefully successful, attempt. I'm pretty confident and feel much better after writing this, not that I felt all that bad to begin with but this is somewhat reassuring to me. In any case feel free to comment if you like it or if you can relate to it or whatever you want to say about it. As with many of my writings I hate not getting comments because I just assume the viewers didn't care too much for it and I strive to be somewhat broad, even with personal experiences, for the most part so at least someone can relate to it. I write for me mostly, but that doesn't mean someone else can't enjoy it as well, two birds with one stone kinda thing. Also feel free to suggest changes, with this or any of my poems; however, if they are very big changes I generally won't make it, I prefer to have all of my poem's feelings originate from my exact emotions at the time of the write. I write spontaneously, pure emotion, not at will, and I try to keep it someone spontaneous.


    Note to a select viewer(my Sunshine):

    Try not to get too wrapped around this, I'm sure there will be some negative feelings and possible worries after you read this. But don't worry, you're the one on my mind. I've worked out the kinks in the back of my mind, through much analysis, and I'm confident that it will remain that way. If you ever want to talk about it, maybe in need of reassurance, you know I'm here. I'm here to talk about anything that ever might trouble you, related to this or me or not, preferably after dusk though when I can think better. This was just a release of some of the stuff bottle up over the past year or two. I hope you note the positive message in this poem and not the negative memories. If I didn't write this I was afraid I would be in a writer's block for awhile, can't censor my poetry for any reason. Take care, love.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSanity Steersdots
    -------------------------------------------


    You've driven me away so many times
    So many tears that even I have cried
    You've even reached me when I would dream
    I was trapped with, yet without you it would seem

    But not this time
    You will soon find
    You'll not soon cross my mind

    You tried invading my dreams last night
    But you didn't so much as weaken my light
    You didn't know that she would be there too
    Now that I'm sane, nothing you can do

    No, not this time
    You will soon find
    You rarely ever cross my mind

    As time drifts on the waters become clear
    She occupies my thoughts more throughout the year
    Soon there will be no room to care about you
    Would be a waste of time to put myself through

    Don't try, not this time
    You will soon find
    Now she crosses my mind

    Know that I left you because you pushed when I was weak
    All you had to be was there in my time of need
    She's different, she knew I was in need, she cares, she remains there
    Then you persuaded me back, because I was weak, it wasn't fair

    But not this time
    You will soon find
    She will always be on my mind

    I'm not trying to hurt you back
    There's been too much pain because and between
    Just don't waste your thoughts on me
    Our memories are the past now, not a dream
    My sanity has finally returned
    I plan for it to stay that way
    In the past I've drifted from this state
    My reasons sufficed I would say
    But I won't again make such a mistake

    Ever again, I'm not blind
    You will soon find
    I now have drawn the line




    Submitted on 2008-08-21 15:29:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i really like it...apparently a lot has changed since the last time me and you hung out. well i just want to let you know that i am off wed. i have to drop off my car a jeffs automotive and then i have nothing to do...i am also off for 4 days on memorial day. so call me and maybe we can go hang and talk. Back to them poem, all though i am not clued in on who your "sunshine" is i am really happy that you are feeling better and seem to have most of your problems if not all of them sorted out. all around i think the poem is one of your better ones. Not your best, but you know which one is that and why i think that. well i got to go to bed got to work tomorrow yay me...NOT!!!!!!! well love u man have a good day. peaceout
    | Posted on 2008-08-22 00:00:00 | by InYuco Katan | [ Reply to This ]
      I can relate to this poem and your description very well as my boyfriend was having a hard time getting over his last love and wrote many things to help get through that process.

    As I read your poem, having been part of a situation like this, I felt as though you were writing to me, as the girl who you now loved and reading this sort of goodbye to this other girl.

    You achieved the goal of trying to be broad enough to include others in your experience such as myself but specific enough for the reader to recall certain moments.

    In short I throughly enjoyed this as every word deeply touched my emotions and memories.

    For critiques? Its hard to critique because it touched me so much that I can look past the little flaws and see the bigger picture. However for the sake of improving one's craft, one suggestion is the length of two lines

    'She's different, she knew I was in need, she cares, she remains there
    Then you persuaded me back, because I was weak, it wasn't fair'

    It seems like you're pushing a little too much to fulfill the rhyme scheme, and that there's just too many words. Eliminating 'she knew I was in need' helps to fix the problem without having the piece suffer from it.

    Overall, a wonderful poem that I enjoyed reading
    | Posted on 2008-08-21 00:00:00 | by jaramae | [ Reply to This ]


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