Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Random Points from the Bar Room Christdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: tjsmith5
    ASL Info:    28/m/MS
    Elite Ratio:    5.49 - 109/231/124
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 504
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 739



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRandom Points from the Bar Room Christdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A good woman is surely nice
    But you can be happy without them
    And shame on your sorry ass
    If youíve got one
    That just doesnít care.

    Everyone knows
    Itís the devilís world
    But for everything I allow
    I stop 1,000 from happening,
    Yet we still hear it everyday.

    Maybe your attempt
    At changing the world
    Could be better spent
    By changing yourself;
    Though I am not sure how, exactly.

    I know youíve heard it before
    And you think itís bullshit:
    But it really does take a
    Bigger man
    To walk away.

    I like bourbon & subtle rambling too.




    Submitted on 2008-08-22 20:00:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      thoughts...

    in the first stanza, is it the the sorry ass that doesn't care? or is it the good woman? that was a little confusing. I mean it could go both ways, I am just not sure of the intent.

    The tenses seem to keep changing...

    A good woman is surely nice
    But you can be happy without (them)

    I was gonna say (one) though that is used later. You could just drop it completely and leave it at w/out...

    In the 2nd stanza it goes from I to we... (who is the we)?

    I know these are minor things, I am just trying to get the intent.

    great title by the way and it kinda leads me into
    those ramblings that one might start on a stool.

    I really like the message though, as I think it starts with the individual. If more people really took a look at who they were and how they behaved and thought and acted, realizing there is cause and effect, perhaps things could be different. I mean hell, if you smile at someone, chances are, they will smile back. There is always an act and a reaction... (just mumblings here but...)

    And yeah, sometimes one has to walk away (man or woman) yet sometimes it is a hard thing to do (case in point).

    I really like the last line.
    | Posted on 2008-08-22 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    164888

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Push written by JanePlane
    Wavelength written by saartha
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    Incubus written by monad
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Bond written by saartha
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    untitled written by Chelebel
    Linger written by saartha
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Giving written by jjd

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry