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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Her Suitcasedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lori_tab
    ASL Info:    27/f/alabama
    Elite Ratio:    4.33 - 1752/1517/481
    Words: 358
    Class/Type: Story/Love
    Total Views: 513
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1934



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHer Suitcasedots
    -------------------------------------------


    He put his cigarette out on her suitcase. The embers melted through and branded the leather. She wasn’t coming back. He walked through the hallways in his head and still couldn’t find the note, the reason; the elusive truth.

    He went to the bedroom, no note there, the bedroom was just as it had always been, perfect. The sheets were tumbled and the curtains drawn. He hesitated for a moment, looking through the room, through the sheets, watching her back stretch across the bed as she pulled something from her pants pockets, as he waited beneath her, she pulled out, ah, a joint. She looked at him and smiled and lay back not changing her position. Her body stretched for miles and the hills and valleys that the shadows played on her skin poured out and down into her neck. He could see her chin and one hand holding the joint to her lips, her lips, goddamn her mouth. He shut the door to the bedroom; there was no fucking reason in here.

    Once again he found himself in the halls, some doors were locked, many rooms they had never been in together. Perhaps the note was in one of those rooms, and if so he had no idea how he would ever find them. She had no keys to these rooms and short of materializing in them he could not imagine she would have made her way inside.

    Oh he was going insane over this. His logic demanded of her, a reason. But she was gone now and he couldn’t demand something from someone who wasn’t there. He could but realized how futile it would prove concerning the probability of a positive outcome of such speculations. He was alone. She had left him a suitcase he couldn’t unlock, a reminder of her, a mystery just as she had been. The suitcase had his disgust burnt right in it. The smell made him sick. He wanted to vomit.

    And just as he threw it overboard the train, out the goddamn window he realized, the note had been in there.




    Submitted on 2008-08-23 18:50:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Break up memories and feelings. Very touching.
    | Posted on 2008-10-05 00:00:00 | by Solomon Disease | [ Reply to This ]
      You ask for thoughts:
    A vignette.
    So all we have is a scene and no concern for character development or a story.

    When I read it I get a subdued feeling. The man has her suitcase and since this is a vignette we are not sure why. He is thinking about her and is perturbed enough by the thoughts that he takes out his frustration with the woman by putting his cigarette out on her suitcase. Okay. Why?

    We join him as he travels in his mind; retraces his steps.
    The bedroom has significance metaphorically as a place of comfort, rest, and/or security. It is personal and this woman is there. The note he is searching for has much significance, thus his looking for it there first.
    The woman's actions in the bedroom are mocking. As a metaphor the woman is cruel and entered the man's most secure spot only to insult and mock him with a smile upon her face.

    She is obviously of romantic interest to him I gather from how he damns her mouth. We gather that he is searching for meaning/reason and that whatever she is, she isn't that for him. "no [censored] reason" the cursing insinuates anger, which suggests the man was hoping she might be, or that he is desperate for a reason and any wasted time is pissing him off.

    "Perhaps the note was in one of those rooms, and if so he had no idea how he would ever find them."
    That was confusing to me. I can not tell if "them" refers to the rooms, or to the note (which is a singular and probably shouldn't be referred to as "them").

    Now the question, are we supposed to take much of this metaphorically? If so, the fact that she had no keys to all of the rooms and the fact that this is him traveling back in his mind suggests that he did not open up completely to her or that they did not share much beyond the bedroom which could be a sexual metaphor now that I consider it. In which case the woman is of little significance.

    We do not know what he is going insane over and so can only speculate. We know that whatever it is is related to the woman (which means she has more meaning than sexual). "she was gone now and he couldn’t demand something from someone who wasn’t there." Means either that the two had a relationship that she ended or that she has died or that they are simply apart.
    Because of "He could but realized how futile it would prove concerning the probability of a positive outcome of such speculations." I assume whatever the situation is, it isn't positive since he thinks nothing good of it.
    "He was alone. She had left him a suitcase..."
    Leads to the assumption that it is a relationship that ended. Why she gave him this suitcase is uncertain. Is she so cruel that she wants to have him constantly reminded of her? If she is was a mystery then we could assume that their relationship did not last long or did not involve much sharing of life between the two.

    The ending reeks of futility and just makes me feel down. I can see the man looking blankly out watching the suitcase with this realization. He acted hastily and the last few words suggest regret without having to say anything about how he reacted or felt. Just knowing how much trouble he was going through for that note allows us to realize the shock/pain he feels at this realization.

    Why he had not looked in it to begin with is beyond me, but I assume he was emotionally harmed by the woman and was not acting logically.

    The piece evokes a negative emotion with me.
    I suspect you wouldn't be surprised by that.
    | Posted on 2008-09-04 00:00:00 | by Sir Jimeth | [ Reply to This ]
      I like it...I particularly like the description of her laying on the bed, and the way he sort of lingered over thoughts of her mouth, and then got angry about it. Other than that, I really don't know what more to say. Very well written...and I'm not so sure I've ever really read anything like this from you before.
    | Posted on 2008-08-28 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]


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