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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Remedy Pointdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Passionbyapathy
    ASL Info:    18/M/Ohio State
    Elite Ratio:    6.06 - 174/189/127
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 233
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 942



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRemedy Pointdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Mountain tops and peaks of summer stone
    Climb in the lifeless dark chained and cuffed to bone
    Hold on to me close, ill carry you to the clouds
    The climes are cold and clammed with fog
    A quiet night stripped and rebuilt to fit the scene
    Friendships forged in papers rolled, deftly freeing me
    From the fettered bonds of loss and loneliness
    Cast yourself beyond the bounds of movie sets
    Watching cars crawl across the backs of bugs
    And enjoy the hours long past the setting sun

    The magic of the moment touched the sky
    And the clock hands stopped at perfect dark
    Words from lips diving off the tallest earth
    Carried by our breathe to the constellations
    Of stars in this milky way galaxy of lights.
    A carnival of dark and bright on corner edges
    In between the highest heavens ,
    and the wicked world of you and me




    Submitted on 2008-08-25 17:31:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm not in the mood to pick apart your poem
    stanza by stanza so I'll try my best at whatever
    i am going to do, wow sorry 12 hours of sleep
    in three days leaves me kinda loopy.

    well here goes nothing...

    "The climes are cold and clammed with fog"

    though i like the image you are painting here this line for me kinda jumbles together, it's not clashing but when i read it aloud it came off as odd. take that as you may.

    i strongly suggest punctuation, so that your sentences don't ram into each other causing an odd break when read by a distant party.

    I like how this seems to be a description of complete content and being stoned off your ass, i got that part from the cars on bugs back part.

    Maki seems to enjoy this poem very much so and i agree with him/her this is very well written, though with a few touch ups it could be better. i wont go as far as saying this is one of your best, but its by far not one of your worst.

    Nice Job.

    ~Nikki
    | Posted on 2008-09-08 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, what a beautiful poem. It was so incredibly moving. The descriptions of ordinary things made them seem monumental. They way you used the galaxy and stars and put them in with carnival I couldn't help but let my imagination see this scene take flight.

    This was a very beautiful poem.
    | Posted on 2008-08-27 00:00:00 | by Maki | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
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    3. How did it make you feel?
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    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



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