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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Not Quite Alonedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 291
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 556
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1765



    Description:
       This one's just an example of how I can write entirely fictional too. Don't feel bad, I didn't know that either. :-p


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNot Quite Alonedots
    -------------------------------------------


    His eyes are bloodshot, he's ready to fall
    He drives long nails through wrists and the wall
    His legs quiver weak as he gasps for air
    He attempts to speak but no one else is there

    When he opens his mouth, saliva speckles red
    Either way he's trapped, his body is of lead
    His will has caved, not much care anymore
    He floats on air as his legs drag the floor

    His conscience whispers, "You deserve so much worse"
    And it laughs and taunts him as his tears begin to burst
    It echoes through his brain until he has trouble with his thoughts
    His soul burns with hatred as the body decays and rots

    He struggles with his eyes as the lids are made with steel
    Sharp pains and agony were better, atleast he could feel
    All of his past soon becomes as clear as mud
    He tries to escape but just slips on his own blood

    Struggle as he might, he can't awake from this place
    He's trapped inside with all his thoughts now erased
    He's forgotten why he's here and will soon forget his name
    It wouldn't be so bad if not for that voice he cannot tame

    And then he hears several voices calling him to wake
    Some sound familiar and as though his mind didn't make
    "Don't listen to them, there's nothing there to awake to."
    As he faded he felt a hand and for a moment knew

    His soul then eased and that one voice, a muffled drone
    Whether they were aware, he knew he died not alone
    He gave in to fate, left and gave up his fight
    They would journey together one day but not quite tonight




    Submitted on 2008-08-28 14:14:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I thought it was quite interesting how you made this piece up. The images in my head are quite heavy though as you're describing these feelings but then you're using words that are so grounded, it's hard not to be trapped in this little world you've created.

    One phrase i disliked that i remembered a few people used on this site and i couldn't understand how that made sense so maybe you could explain something to me. How can mud be clear? To me, it feels like you're contradicting yourself. It's like "I am but then i'm not". Clarity makes you understand, Mud blurs your vision or your understanding. So, If you could clear that up, you'd be a great writer to my eyes.

    Interesting write.

    Have a great day....

    Irina
    | Posted on 2008-08-29 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow you are good! I really loved this poem, I am not quiet sure what it is about, but I loved how you wrote your words, they where very well done. it remindes me of my brothers poems, very very good, but beyond my comprehension, wich isn't bad, because I am a bubble head and have never been able to understand a lick when it comes to poetry. SO me not understanding it means that you did a fantastic job. I am soo going to show this poem to my brother, he will LOVE it! thank you for posting it.
    | Posted on 2008-08-28 00:00:00 | by grimmreaper | [ Reply to This ]


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